I peeked in on Mom this morning, and she was bundled up sleeping peacefully. I have two blankets on the bed, but she had kicked one off her feet so I covered her up, and touched her hair. I wondered how many times she had crept into my room in the mornings and covered me back up? It is different for me to be the caretaker when she was the one who had taken care of me for so long. How many times had she washed my face, my hands, my feet. Rubbed lotion on me and given me medicine? How many times did she feed me, cuddle me, kiss my head? Put drops in my eyes, cut my nails?
When you are thinking about having to do these things, before it becomes a necessity, you think that would be too hard, I don't think I could do it. But then you just do it. Without really thinking. It's something I learned from Mom. She would say, "You have no choice, just do it Diane." So I did, and I thank God she taught me to be strong, to handle the pressures and worries without letting them bog me down. "Don't worry about what other people think, their opinions don't matter. Do your best. Serve God. Do the right thing." Her words echo in my head at night when I'm wondering if I'm doing the best thing for her. I know I can't be responsible for her happiness, but I can make sure she feels loved. And that's all I'm really trying for.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Interim
After getting home from Jamie's wedding we only had three weeks until our daughters, which was at our home church and reception in our town, lots of out of town guest and plans to be made. And Earl had to have gall bladder surgery in between there. The week before Jenna's wedding he had the surgery which thankfully went well and was out patient. Mom was also still in the nursing home, the doctor was wanting her to stay for more rehab, and since it was a crazy month I agreed though I didn't like it much, and neither did she.
Jenna and Ben were starting to get a little nervous. They had been wanting the date to rush up on them and suddenly it was here. We had few things left to do, so I was relieved about that. We had such wonderful friends that had helped, Angie and Kayla with the bridal shower earlier in the month that had gotten things kicked off well and really got Jenna in the mood!
And of course we had cake from a wonderful Local baker who also did Jenna's wedding cake
So now the countdown began, five days, three days and then suddenly it was the thursday before and we were at the church decorating. Ben's family had made it in from Missouri and were helping also. Our friends Angie, Kayla, Faye. Faye was doing the ribbons and bows and I had made some cones for the pews that were not hanging straight.
Jenna calls that night, the decorating night, my nervous break down. She's probably right, it kind of seems a blur to me now that I think on it, I was very frustrated with the hanging cones. Ha Ha
But the night ended and we had the reception hall to decorate the next day and the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner to look forward to. And as I tried to sleep that night I thought my daughter will only be here two more nights. I won't be getting her up in the mornings any more because she's such a sleepy head. I won't be walking in and looking at her beautiful face anymore every day. It was an exciting time for her, and for us, but I couldn't help but remember that quiet little girl who hid behind my legs, and held on to me for dear life. I was missing her, and wishing we could go back in time and I could kiss her pretty face once more or curl her hair up, but I couldn't, she was now a lovely grown woman....
Jenna and Ben were starting to get a little nervous. They had been wanting the date to rush up on them and suddenly it was here. We had few things left to do, so I was relieved about that. We had such wonderful friends that had helped, Angie and Kayla with the bridal shower earlier in the month that had gotten things kicked off well and really got Jenna in the mood!
And of course we had cake from a wonderful Local baker who also did Jenna's wedding cake
So now the countdown began, five days, three days and then suddenly it was the thursday before and we were at the church decorating. Ben's family had made it in from Missouri and were helping also. Our friends Angie, Kayla, Faye. Faye was doing the ribbons and bows and I had made some cones for the pews that were not hanging straight.
Jenna calls that night, the decorating night, my nervous break down. She's probably right, it kind of seems a blur to me now that I think on it, I was very frustrated with the hanging cones. Ha Ha
But the night ended and we had the reception hall to decorate the next day and the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner to look forward to. And as I tried to sleep that night I thought my daughter will only be here two more nights. I won't be getting her up in the mornings any more because she's such a sleepy head. I won't be walking in and looking at her beautiful face anymore every day. It was an exciting time for her, and for us, but I couldn't help but remember that quiet little girl who hid behind my legs, and held on to me for dear life. I was missing her, and wishing we could go back in time and I could kiss her pretty face once more or curl her hair up, but I couldn't, she was now a lovely grown woman....
and she could curl her own hair now :)
Soon she would be
the Bride.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Beautiful, Beautiful
Now there’s a joy inside I can’t contain
But even perfect days can end in rain
And though it’s pouring down
I see You through the clouds
Shining on my face
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful
But even perfect days can end in rain
And though it’s pouring down
I see You through the clouds
Shining on my face
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful
- I wanted to take a moment this morning and thank my Lord and Savior for his many blessings and love through all my life and for making my life so beautiful. There is nothing that I have accomplished without his hand upon me. I have nothing without him, and everything with him.
- It's a crisp fall day today bringing back memories of falling leaves, gathering them up and piling them up so the kids could run and jump in them. Remembering their laughter and the joy on their faces as they destroyed the perfect piles we had painstakingly made. Remembering them throwing the leaves at each other, Justin especially took great pleasure in throwing the leaves at his brother and sister. He couldn't hurt them but he could throw them as hard as he could. And Jenna with her little blonde curls throwing them up and lowering her head so they fell upon her and she would twirl and twirl. And Jamie trying to make something of them, fort, a hideaway, a castle and his imagination running away and suddenly he was a jedi, a knight or a cowboy, and Justin and Jenna were drawn into his story and they would play for hours until the leaves were spread all over the yard again and as they went in for their baths, their Dad would rake them up again and pile them in perfect piles so the next day they could do it all again if it didn't rain. I would make sure Earl had chili to eat and give him a hug and thank God for this beautiful fall and my beautiful family.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Wilma
After Vicki found me and we started talking, I had questions, so her Mother (my birth mother) wrote me a letter. I had got used to calling Wilma and Joe my birth parents in my head. Meaning they gave birth to me- they concieved me- they brought me into the world but that is really all I could fathom. I had fewer memories of Wilma than I did of Vicki and Joe, who though he was around more never stood out to me as anything more than what he was, my uncle, who I did not particularly like. He and Wilma had divorced not long after I was born, and she had moved up to Michigan with my sister and brothers. Joe was living with my grandma, so I know he was there at christmases, other holidays but I don't remember him even speaking to me directly or even acting like I was more to him than his sister's child. Mostly I remember he was often drunk. I found out later he didn't want to sign the adoption papers but My Dad took him in a room by himself and when they came out the papers were signed. I asked Dad later as an adult what he said to make him sign, he said you don't want to know. So I never asked again. Joe died when I was 8, I remember the funeral, and Wilma and the other kids there. I remember her hugging me and whispering my baby in my ear. But I didn't really realize what she meant, and I remember my Mom being sad. I remember my brother Joey calling out as he left "See you later alligator!" and me saying "Atta while crocodile!" And me finding that hilariously funny. I was 8.
Mom never said much about Wilma, I once in a while would ask why she gave me up, but Mom would skirt around the question, just saying she had enough to deal with. It was the best thing, etc. etc. I found out recently Wilma asked her what she would say when I asked about her, and Mom told her she just wouldn't say anything, and that she would never say anything bad. And she didn't. It made her uncomfortable when I would ask so again I just quit asking. She would tell me that she did the right and good thing, and now I realize that she did. Being an adopted teenager, with all the angst of the teen years, and the feelings all kids have towards their parents would throw myself a little pity party everyone once in a while, or when I wanted my own way would throw the fact that they weren't my "REAL" parents in Mom and Dad's faces. If I could go back now I would tape my mouth shut or cut out my tongue before those words came of out my mouth. How I could have even thought for one second they weren't real parents is beyond me now as an adult. My niece has told me that your brain is not fully developed until you are twenty five years old. I believe it- because anyone with a brain would never had uttered those words.
And as a teenager I was angry with Wilma, for giving me up, for not loving me, for taking care of the others but not me, but mostly in my teenage head I thought she couldn't have loved me, at all. I was the baby- I was the only other girl, how could she have not wanted me? I would pour over pictures of myself as a baby and think, was I ugly, was I a constant crier? Mom never said I was a bad baby, she said I was a pretty darn good baby. Mom never told me she was an awful mother, or mean so it had to be me, I would think. There had to be something wrong with me. I never shared that with Mom or Dad though. They would have brushed me off, told me I was crazy, that I was loved and loveable, and absolutely nothing wrong with me, but as a teenager I wanted to hold onto that anger and hurt. It took me a long time to let it go. Probably about the time my first son was born.
But now all these years later I had a letter in my hand, and an explanation. My heart just broke. I didn't know anything about anything. I didn't know that she married Joe when she was only 13, or that she was just 21 when I was born, the fifth one in six years. I thought about that, and about my own children. Jenna was two and a half when Justin was born, and I just about lost my mind with just having two babies to deal with. I found out from my sister that she grew sad and cried all day on my birthday every year. That she truly TRULY wanted to me to have an easier childhood than she knew she could give me and that she loved my parents, trusted them with her daughter. She never contacted me because she was afraid it would make it hard on me. It might have, but I was an adult now. She told me in the letter she would never try and replace my Mom, but she wanted to have a relationship with me if we could. She wanted to know me and my family. I wanted that too, desperately, but I was afraid. This was early in 2009, and I wrote her a letter back, several but I never sent them. I was afraid the letter didn't sound right, afraid I would sound angry, or silly. I was nervous and worried about it. It was different with Vicki, she was my sister, we could have a sister relationship, but what kind of relationship could I have with Wilma? Could we be friends? Plus always I was afraid of hurting my Mom, she was going through such a difficult time, how could I make it harder on her?
With the way things were going with Mom I did nothing. Until Wilma got a facebook. We started talking a little bit on there. I felt more comfortable then on the phone, and then I talked to Jenna and we decided to invite her to the Wedding. I wanted to see her, I wanted to meet her, and I wanted to get to know this woman who gave birth to me. I was very excited when she said she would come. Also very very nervous. But whatever, I was already nervous about everything, what was one more thing?
Mom never said much about Wilma, I once in a while would ask why she gave me up, but Mom would skirt around the question, just saying she had enough to deal with. It was the best thing, etc. etc. I found out recently Wilma asked her what she would say when I asked about her, and Mom told her she just wouldn't say anything, and that she would never say anything bad. And she didn't. It made her uncomfortable when I would ask so again I just quit asking. She would tell me that she did the right and good thing, and now I realize that she did. Being an adopted teenager, with all the angst of the teen years, and the feelings all kids have towards their parents would throw myself a little pity party everyone once in a while, or when I wanted my own way would throw the fact that they weren't my "REAL" parents in Mom and Dad's faces. If I could go back now I would tape my mouth shut or cut out my tongue before those words came of out my mouth. How I could have even thought for one second they weren't real parents is beyond me now as an adult. My niece has told me that your brain is not fully developed until you are twenty five years old. I believe it- because anyone with a brain would never had uttered those words.
And as a teenager I was angry with Wilma, for giving me up, for not loving me, for taking care of the others but not me, but mostly in my teenage head I thought she couldn't have loved me, at all. I was the baby- I was the only other girl, how could she have not wanted me? I would pour over pictures of myself as a baby and think, was I ugly, was I a constant crier? Mom never said I was a bad baby, she said I was a pretty darn good baby. Mom never told me she was an awful mother, or mean so it had to be me, I would think. There had to be something wrong with me. I never shared that with Mom or Dad though. They would have brushed me off, told me I was crazy, that I was loved and loveable, and absolutely nothing wrong with me, but as a teenager I wanted to hold onto that anger and hurt. It took me a long time to let it go. Probably about the time my first son was born.
But now all these years later I had a letter in my hand, and an explanation. My heart just broke. I didn't know anything about anything. I didn't know that she married Joe when she was only 13, or that she was just 21 when I was born, the fifth one in six years. I thought about that, and about my own children. Jenna was two and a half when Justin was born, and I just about lost my mind with just having two babies to deal with. I found out from my sister that she grew sad and cried all day on my birthday every year. That she truly TRULY wanted to me to have an easier childhood than she knew she could give me and that she loved my parents, trusted them with her daughter. She never contacted me because she was afraid it would make it hard on me. It might have, but I was an adult now. She told me in the letter she would never try and replace my Mom, but she wanted to have a relationship with me if we could. She wanted to know me and my family. I wanted that too, desperately, but I was afraid. This was early in 2009, and I wrote her a letter back, several but I never sent them. I was afraid the letter didn't sound right, afraid I would sound angry, or silly. I was nervous and worried about it. It was different with Vicki, she was my sister, we could have a sister relationship, but what kind of relationship could I have with Wilma? Could we be friends? Plus always I was afraid of hurting my Mom, she was going through such a difficult time, how could I make it harder on her?
With the way things were going with Mom I did nothing. Until Wilma got a facebook. We started talking a little bit on there. I felt more comfortable then on the phone, and then I talked to Jenna and we decided to invite her to the Wedding. I wanted to see her, I wanted to meet her, and I wanted to get to know this woman who gave birth to me. I was very excited when she said she would come. Also very very nervous. But whatever, I was already nervous about everything, what was one more thing?
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Florida Wedding
The night before at the rehearsal and dinner, things went pretty smoothly. My nerves were wrecked with worry over Mom but my friend Rachel (Jamie's pastor's wife- and his old youth pastors) took my hand before I walked out the door and said, "Your mom will be ok. I know she will. It will be ok." So waking up the next morning to bright sunlight streaming through the windows I thought on her words and gave the day to God. You have to take my worry today, Lord, I prayed, you have to take this away from me. He says to cast all your cares on him, so that's what I did, before I got out of bed, before I leaned over and woke up my husband, before I set my feet on the floor I gave it all to God. Then the day took off running.
Gifty, Jenna and I had hair appointments early that morning at 9. Gifty was ready for it. She was all smiles and happiness. Jenna was sleepy but ready and off we went to leave the boys to get ready and we would meet them at the church later. The girl who did our hair was sweet, there was another wedding that day, so we spent the morning watching them do up hair. We only had the one girl, and Gifty went first. Then decided she wanted pearls in her hair, so when the lady was done with Gifty and starting on Jenna, we went to a hair accessories store down the road and could not find pearl hair clips. Gifty being the genious she is bought a pearl necklace and bobby pins, and I sat at the hair salon sliding little pearls onto the bobby pins and they put them in Gifty's hair. It look wonderful.
Gifty chatted all morning and kept saying "Guess what I'm getting married today!" The little beauty girl had did a magnificent job on both girls hair, but when she came to mine I said, "I don't need curls just get it up off my neck." It was already a stifling day. It proved difficult to get all my hair up, but she finally got it and we were ready to go.
One of our wedding traditions is the groom doesn't see the bride untl she is walking down the aisle, Gifty didn't quite understand that, she says can I at least talk to him on the phone, "No." I told her, but on the way back to the church she said she forgot to pack her bag, could we stop at the house. Ok, but I made Jamie go out the front door while she took her time packing. He was burning up outside in his suit, and I kept trying to rush her. Gifty is not one to be rushed, her and Jamie are so alike in that aspect- you can't rush them because it makes them slower. :0)
Finally on our way to get the girls ready at church. Gifty's other bridesmaid arrived, a beautiful lady from Jamaica - Earl's sister Diana and her husband Tim arrived and started taking pictures, and Earl's brother Jim, wife Susie and Crystal, their daughter had arrived the night before after a long long delay and were at the church too. Still I was surprised when I walked in and saw the church full. There were family and friends of Gifty - but mostly Jamie's church family was filling up the church quickly. They loved him here, of course my son is very loveable, but he'd only been here five months so I was impressed and touched. Gifty skyped her parents so they could see her in her wedding dress and was very emotional when she finally walked down the aisle to her waiting husband to be- who had his hankerchief dotting his eyes as soon as he saw her. Which made us all cry. In India they have worship before the vows and that is what we did, which was beautiful to do- worshipping God -bringing him into the marriage before it is even a done deal and doing that brought all emotions to forefront and honestly I don't know that I've ever cried so much during a wedding.
Yes it was our eldest child's wedding, and the first to marry, and as they said their individual vows to one another their voices broke and my throat closed up, and I tried not to sob loudly. The sun was so bright outside, the church was decorated beautifully, Earl's brother and sister and families had made the long trip to be with their nephew on this special day, and Jamie's brother and sister stood up there with him.
I was lucky to get any words out afterwards, words of gratitude and thanks for his Church Family, who provided a down home country meal afterward, and precious Terri who made two beautiful and delicious cakes for them.
As we walked from the church to the building next door for the reception Earl and I noticed that the tire was flat on our van. Of couse! :) After eating the delicious meal, toasting the new couple, and hearing the speeches we were planning on going to the beach for more pictures and unwind a bit. Jamie and Gifty had a room reserved on the beach for the night, and Earl's family had rooms on the beach also. So we sent everyone ahead of us, since it was so very hot, while Earl put the donut on the van (in his suit!)and we drove to walmart to get our tire fixed.
It was the first time all day I was alone with Earl. A moment to breathe, to smile and reflect on this day that I would cherish as one of the best days of my life. We were talking when my cell phone rang, it was the newlyweds and my new daughter was on the phone. "Mom?" I said yes, what's up. "Mom, I forgot to pack any clothes." Jamie had given us the keys to his house and they couldn't get back in their home. I burst out laughing. "Just what were you packing this morning." I asked thinking it had taken her forever while Jamie sweltered outside. "Ummm...stuff for tonight." I told her I would get her some clothes at Wal-mart (lucky we were going there anyway!) and would meet them at the beach.
It didn't take long and we were there at the beach, pictures were taken, the newlyweds took off and we enjoyed the evening, watching the sun set and being in each others company. It had been a wonderful day, one I can't describe with adequate words. Later we went to dinner with our extended family at a seaside restaurant- with abundant crab legs, shrimp, and I ate a crab cake and some fries. The newlyweds joined us for a late night food fest, and then we took off to Jamie's house to leave bright and early the next morning.
As we were traveling home the next day, my mind went over the day again and again, and I thanked God for it, my worries about Mom were still there, we had another wedding in just three weeks but I was content and knew that God had a handle on all that too. I needn't have worried, Oh How he loves us so!
Gifty, Jenna and I had hair appointments early that morning at 9. Gifty was ready for it. She was all smiles and happiness. Jenna was sleepy but ready and off we went to leave the boys to get ready and we would meet them at the church later. The girl who did our hair was sweet, there was another wedding that day, so we spent the morning watching them do up hair. We only had the one girl, and Gifty went first. Then decided she wanted pearls in her hair, so when the lady was done with Gifty and starting on Jenna, we went to a hair accessories store down the road and could not find pearl hair clips. Gifty being the genious she is bought a pearl necklace and bobby pins, and I sat at the hair salon sliding little pearls onto the bobby pins and they put them in Gifty's hair. It look wonderful.
Gifty chatted all morning and kept saying "Guess what I'm getting married today!" The little beauty girl had did a magnificent job on both girls hair, but when she came to mine I said, "I don't need curls just get it up off my neck." It was already a stifling day. It proved difficult to get all my hair up, but she finally got it and we were ready to go.
One of our wedding traditions is the groom doesn't see the bride untl she is walking down the aisle, Gifty didn't quite understand that, she says can I at least talk to him on the phone, "No." I told her, but on the way back to the church she said she forgot to pack her bag, could we stop at the house. Ok, but I made Jamie go out the front door while she took her time packing. He was burning up outside in his suit, and I kept trying to rush her. Gifty is not one to be rushed, her and Jamie are so alike in that aspect- you can't rush them because it makes them slower. :0)
Finally on our way to get the girls ready at church. Gifty's other bridesmaid arrived, a beautiful lady from Jamaica - Earl's sister Diana and her husband Tim arrived and started taking pictures, and Earl's brother Jim, wife Susie and Crystal, their daughter had arrived the night before after a long long delay and were at the church too. Still I was surprised when I walked in and saw the church full. There were family and friends of Gifty - but mostly Jamie's church family was filling up the church quickly. They loved him here, of course my son is very loveable, but he'd only been here five months so I was impressed and touched. Gifty skyped her parents so they could see her in her wedding dress and was very emotional when she finally walked down the aisle to her waiting husband to be- who had his hankerchief dotting his eyes as soon as he saw her. Which made us all cry. In India they have worship before the vows and that is what we did, which was beautiful to do- worshipping God -bringing him into the marriage before it is even a done deal and doing that brought all emotions to forefront and honestly I don't know that I've ever cried so much during a wedding.
Yes it was our eldest child's wedding, and the first to marry, and as they said their individual vows to one another their voices broke and my throat closed up, and I tried not to sob loudly. The sun was so bright outside, the church was decorated beautifully, Earl's brother and sister and families had made the long trip to be with their nephew on this special day, and Jamie's brother and sister stood up there with him.
I was lucky to get any words out afterwards, words of gratitude and thanks for his Church Family, who provided a down home country meal afterward, and precious Terri who made two beautiful and delicious cakes for them.
As we walked from the church to the building next door for the reception Earl and I noticed that the tire was flat on our van. Of couse! :) After eating the delicious meal, toasting the new couple, and hearing the speeches we were planning on going to the beach for more pictures and unwind a bit. Jamie and Gifty had a room reserved on the beach for the night, and Earl's family had rooms on the beach also. So we sent everyone ahead of us, since it was so very hot, while Earl put the donut on the van (in his suit!)and we drove to walmart to get our tire fixed.
It was the first time all day I was alone with Earl. A moment to breathe, to smile and reflect on this day that I would cherish as one of the best days of my life. We were talking when my cell phone rang, it was the newlyweds and my new daughter was on the phone. "Mom?" I said yes, what's up. "Mom, I forgot to pack any clothes." Jamie had given us the keys to his house and they couldn't get back in their home. I burst out laughing. "Just what were you packing this morning." I asked thinking it had taken her forever while Jamie sweltered outside. "Ummm...stuff for tonight." I told her I would get her some clothes at Wal-mart (lucky we were going there anyway!) and would meet them at the beach.
It didn't take long and we were there at the beach, pictures were taken, the newlyweds took off and we enjoyed the evening, watching the sun set and being in each others company. It had been a wonderful day, one I can't describe with adequate words. Later we went to dinner with our extended family at a seaside restaurant- with abundant crab legs, shrimp, and I ate a crab cake and some fries. The newlyweds joined us for a late night food fest, and then we took off to Jamie's house to leave bright and early the next morning.
As we were traveling home the next day, my mind went over the day again and again, and I thanked God for it, my worries about Mom were still there, we had another wedding in just three weeks but I was content and knew that God had a handle on all that too. I needn't have worried, Oh How he loves us so!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Why it's named that!
My life as Diane is my title because as I was thinking of titles I realized I may have had a different life, one in which I may have been known as Karen instead of Diane. My full name is Karen Diane and before being given to my Mom and Dad everyone called me Karen, or so I've been told- I still have a few aunts, uncles, cousins that call me Karen, but once Mom got me she just started calling me Diane. She had named me by the way, my birth mother asked her to, I said what made you name me that if you didnt like the name, and she said she had a toothache and couldn't think real clearly. She said she liked Karen Valentine and that show she was on. But she liked Diane better, so that is it, I could have been Karen and I could have had a different life, different husband, different kids, different town. But I'm oh so thankful I didn't, I really am glad I have my life as Diane. :)
The Psycho Cat
(this is another story i wrote a few years back - it's about Jenna's fat cat Buddy)
"I promise I'll take him with me to school. Mom please."
"What if you can't get an apartment that takes cats, Jenna, I don't know. I just don't think so."
"She'll find an apartment."This from her father, who believes her every wish should be granted. I DID NOT WANT A CAT. I hadn't wanted a cat in two years, though they tried often to persuade me. I had HAD a cat. THE only cat in the world worth having. My loving sweet Leon. Who I had killed.
It was innocent enough, just thought we saw a flea, and I spread on the FLEA and TICK liquid, but it was deadly stuff, and he went into convulsions two hours later.
The Vet said to wash it off, He should be okay. But he wasn't, after two more calls to the Vet, 11:30 at night, we had piled into the Van, and was driving 50 miles to the nearest OPEN Veterinary clinic.
I held him wrapped up in a blanket and willed him to stop shaking. I spoke soothing words to him, told him how much I loved him. He was only 6, pure white, with one spot of grey on his head. The bluest eyes ever. He was mine. He wasn't our first cat, we had about five,not counting all the kittens that came along we had given away and two different dogs in our married life. But those had been the kids pets, or in the case of the dogs, my husbands. But that had been at the farm house. Now we lived in town, pet free.
I found him at a Veterinary Clinic. I had stopped in thinking I would check for a breeder of Labs for my husband. As I stepped up to the counter he came to me. Someone had dropped him off, they had moved or some such thing. He was so sweet the ladies at the Clinic had let him roam. He curled up against my arm, and I took him home. I forgot all about the Lab.
They said his name was Peanut but I called him Leon. And he was mine. He wasn't the typical cat, already two and neutered. He was calm, he was sweet. He would fall at your feet, turn over on his back and wait to be rubbed. He would crawl in my lap and he watched TV with me. His head bobbing with the people on the TV set. He would follow in my steps in the morning while I made my coffee.
He slept above my head on my pillow, and woke me with his soft paw patting my nose. He wasn't afraid of people. He would wait in the big picture window until he saw me come home. He was my
buddy.
And I killed him.
By the time we got to the Vet's they said it was too late, he'd never be able to fully recover. What did I want to do? I looked at my husband and he nodded. They left us alone with him. I whispered how sorry I was and kissed the top of his head. They took him away and then brought us a box. We took him home and buried him in the back yard. And I tried very hard not to constantly cry, but I missed him.
I know it was an accident. Logically I know that. I didn't kill my cat. That awful company with the terrible flea and tick drops did, thankfully the stuff is off the shelves now. But still...
And now, NO i did not want another cat.
"It'll be mine, I will take care of it I promise. Just mine."
"Good cause it won't be mine." But the battle was lost and her dad and she brought him home the next
night. A tiny ball of fur, a half breed Siamese of all things,brown and tan but with the bluest eyes ever.
He annoys the heck out of me.
Always under my feet. He doesn't stop there, he claws me and then attaches himself to my foot trying to make it a chew toy. He hides behind the door and jumps out with his back hunched, like he is going to eat me up. "You are not an attack dog!" But then he would attack, and run. Then back again. I try not to smile at the crazy thing.
He lies on the top steps to the basement and grabs hold of my feet while I am trying to walk down.
"He's wants to kill me Jenna."
She calls him Buddy. I call him Psycho.
He won't leave me alone, he constantly follows my steps in the morning as I make my coffee. He waits in the Big Picture window and watches when I come home.
Leon's purr was soft. Psycho sounds like a chain saw in your ear. I have to push him away from me constantly just to hear the TV while he tries to crawl into my lap and bob his head up and down watching the TV people.
He's a little bigger now, I can see him before he attacks me, a little calmer since he was neutered.
The other morning I woke up and he was lying on my pillow above my head. "What are you doing Psycho?" Was his paw raised, getting ready to pat me on the nose?
He's not my cat, I don't want another cat, but maybe if she can't find an apartment that takes cats, maybe he'll have to just stay here with me.
"I promise I'll take him with me to school. Mom please."
"What if you can't get an apartment that takes cats, Jenna, I don't know. I just don't think so."
"She'll find an apartment."This from her father, who believes her every wish should be granted. I DID NOT WANT A CAT. I hadn't wanted a cat in two years, though they tried often to persuade me. I had HAD a cat. THE only cat in the world worth having. My loving sweet Leon. Who I had killed.
It was innocent enough, just thought we saw a flea, and I spread on the FLEA and TICK liquid, but it was deadly stuff, and he went into convulsions two hours later.
The Vet said to wash it off, He should be okay. But he wasn't, after two more calls to the Vet, 11:30 at night, we had piled into the Van, and was driving 50 miles to the nearest OPEN Veterinary clinic.
I held him wrapped up in a blanket and willed him to stop shaking. I spoke soothing words to him, told him how much I loved him. He was only 6, pure white, with one spot of grey on his head. The bluest eyes ever. He was mine. He wasn't our first cat, we had about five,not counting all the kittens that came along we had given away and two different dogs in our married life. But those had been the kids pets, or in the case of the dogs, my husbands. But that had been at the farm house. Now we lived in town, pet free.
I found him at a Veterinary Clinic. I had stopped in thinking I would check for a breeder of Labs for my husband. As I stepped up to the counter he came to me. Someone had dropped him off, they had moved or some such thing. He was so sweet the ladies at the Clinic had let him roam. He curled up against my arm, and I took him home. I forgot all about the Lab.
They said his name was Peanut but I called him Leon. And he was mine. He wasn't the typical cat, already two and neutered. He was calm, he was sweet. He would fall at your feet, turn over on his back and wait to be rubbed. He would crawl in my lap and he watched TV with me. His head bobbing with the people on the TV set. He would follow in my steps in the morning while I made my coffee.
He slept above my head on my pillow, and woke me with his soft paw patting my nose. He wasn't afraid of people. He would wait in the big picture window until he saw me come home. He was my
buddy.
And I killed him.
By the time we got to the Vet's they said it was too late, he'd never be able to fully recover. What did I want to do? I looked at my husband and he nodded. They left us alone with him. I whispered how sorry I was and kissed the top of his head. They took him away and then brought us a box. We took him home and buried him in the back yard. And I tried very hard not to constantly cry, but I missed him.
I know it was an accident. Logically I know that. I didn't kill my cat. That awful company with the terrible flea and tick drops did, thankfully the stuff is off the shelves now. But still...
And now, NO i did not want another cat.
"It'll be mine, I will take care of it I promise. Just mine."
"Good cause it won't be mine." But the battle was lost and her dad and she brought him home the next
night. A tiny ball of fur, a half breed Siamese of all things,brown and tan but with the bluest eyes ever.
He annoys the heck out of me.
Always under my feet. He doesn't stop there, he claws me and then attaches himself to my foot trying to make it a chew toy. He hides behind the door and jumps out with his back hunched, like he is going to eat me up. "You are not an attack dog!" But then he would attack, and run. Then back again. I try not to smile at the crazy thing.
He lies on the top steps to the basement and grabs hold of my feet while I am trying to walk down.
"He's wants to kill me Jenna."
She calls him Buddy. I call him Psycho.
He won't leave me alone, he constantly follows my steps in the morning as I make my coffee. He waits in the Big Picture window and watches when I come home.
Leon's purr was soft. Psycho sounds like a chain saw in your ear. I have to push him away from me constantly just to hear the TV while he tries to crawl into my lap and bob his head up and down watching the TV people.
He's a little bigger now, I can see him before he attacks me, a little calmer since he was neutered.
The other morning I woke up and he was lying on my pillow above my head. "What are you doing Psycho?" Was his paw raised, getting ready to pat me on the nose?
He's not my cat, I don't want another cat, but maybe if she can't find an apartment that takes cats, maybe he'll have to just stay here with me.
Far from Home
Gifty and I were at walmart when I checked my cell phone. It was the nursing home number. I went into the bathroom where I could maybe hear and listened as the detached voice on the phone told me my Mom was admitted to the hospital the night before. She was sick with a infection but she was stable. I was stunned. I was ten hours away and my son was getting married the next day. My husband was at the beach and I was almost hyperventilating. My daughter in law was waiting and as soon as I walked out of the bathroom she was concerned. "Are you ok Mom?" "Yes yes fine." I said not wanting to say anything until I knew what was wrong. We were there at walmart trying to find a topper for her wedding cake, picking up last minute essentials and just enjoying the fact that walmart is familiar no matter where you were. Now I was a nervous wreck.
I wanted Earl, but I didn't want to call him on the phone. I wanted him there in person where I could see his face and he could reassure me. I didn't want to call the nursing home until we were back at Jamie's house so I could concentrate on what they said and then have my nervous break down in private. We had some things to do, pick up her wedding dress and have lunch with my friend who was the Pastor's wife at Jamie's church.
Somehow we got through that morning and early afternoon. I had told Earl, and the kids and Patrick (jamie's best man who had arrived the night before from Missouri) that I wanted them home by three. We had to be at the church by 6 and with only one bathroom I wanted them to have plenty of time. So Gifty and I headed back to the house by two.
Earl's brother, sister in law and niece were delayed in atlanta- they didn't know if they could make it by the rehearsal dinner.
One wonderful thing about Earl is he is dependable, when he promised to be there by three I knew he would be back soon and that's the only thing that kept me from completely freaking out. I sat on Jamie's bed and dialed the nursing home. They were not reassuring, the lady I talked to didn't seem to know exactly what was wrong only that she was stable. I dialed the hospital and thankfully I finally found out it was just a bladder infection and Mom was stable and doing fine, though confused. Bladder infections are common they reassured me, because of the lack of communication from Mom the nursing home had decided the hospital was where she should be, and because I believe of the insurance they wanted to keep her there until she was well enough and I came home. But still I was nervous and worried and far from home and still lying back on the bed when Earl walked in, took one look at my face and wrapped me in his arms and there I cried finally. After a few minutes I was able to tell him what was wrong. "She's all alone." I cried and he looked at me and said "Do you want to go home?"
If I had said right then yes I want to go home, Earl would have packed everyone up and we would have left. I had no doubt he would do whatever I wanted, but I was sitting there letting all the guilt creep all over me. I felt guilty for leaving her at the nursing home, I felt guilty for not trying to bring her with us even though the trip would have been impossible for her, I felt guilty she was alone in the hospital. I felt so inadequate as a daughter at that moment, but I could hear my kids in the next room laughing and excited. Earl looked at me wiped the tears from my eyes. "This is not your fault." He told me. "Your Mom would not want you to miss your son's wedding. She would want you to enjoy yourself at your son's wedding. She would not want you worried." I knew he was right. But knowing it and feeling it are two different things, I just leaned into him and let him hold me. I had to get control of myself.
"The hospital said she's alright then?" He asked and I nodded, though I wasn't sure she was alright, would not be sure until I saw her. "What do you want to do honey?" He asked me still holding onto me, being my backbone like he always had been.
"I want to see our son get married." I whispered. He kissed the top of my head and said "Ok then. Let's get ready for the rehearsal and for the dinner. I'm starved!"
I wanted Earl, but I didn't want to call him on the phone. I wanted him there in person where I could see his face and he could reassure me. I didn't want to call the nursing home until we were back at Jamie's house so I could concentrate on what they said and then have my nervous break down in private. We had some things to do, pick up her wedding dress and have lunch with my friend who was the Pastor's wife at Jamie's church.
Somehow we got through that morning and early afternoon. I had told Earl, and the kids and Patrick (jamie's best man who had arrived the night before from Missouri) that I wanted them home by three. We had to be at the church by 6 and with only one bathroom I wanted them to have plenty of time. So Gifty and I headed back to the house by two.
Earl's brother, sister in law and niece were delayed in atlanta- they didn't know if they could make it by the rehearsal dinner.
One wonderful thing about Earl is he is dependable, when he promised to be there by three I knew he would be back soon and that's the only thing that kept me from completely freaking out. I sat on Jamie's bed and dialed the nursing home. They were not reassuring, the lady I talked to didn't seem to know exactly what was wrong only that she was stable. I dialed the hospital and thankfully I finally found out it was just a bladder infection and Mom was stable and doing fine, though confused. Bladder infections are common they reassured me, because of the lack of communication from Mom the nursing home had decided the hospital was where she should be, and because I believe of the insurance they wanted to keep her there until she was well enough and I came home. But still I was nervous and worried and far from home and still lying back on the bed when Earl walked in, took one look at my face and wrapped me in his arms and there I cried finally. After a few minutes I was able to tell him what was wrong. "She's all alone." I cried and he looked at me and said "Do you want to go home?"
If I had said right then yes I want to go home, Earl would have packed everyone up and we would have left. I had no doubt he would do whatever I wanted, but I was sitting there letting all the guilt creep all over me. I felt guilty for leaving her at the nursing home, I felt guilty for not trying to bring her with us even though the trip would have been impossible for her, I felt guilty she was alone in the hospital. I felt so inadequate as a daughter at that moment, but I could hear my kids in the next room laughing and excited. Earl looked at me wiped the tears from my eyes. "This is not your fault." He told me. "Your Mom would not want you to miss your son's wedding. She would want you to enjoy yourself at your son's wedding. She would not want you worried." I knew he was right. But knowing it and feeling it are two different things, I just leaned into him and let him hold me. I had to get control of myself.
"The hospital said she's alright then?" He asked and I nodded, though I wasn't sure she was alright, would not be sure until I saw her. "What do you want to do honey?" He asked me still holding onto me, being my backbone like he always had been.
"I want to see our son get married." I whispered. He kissed the top of my head and said "Ok then. Let's get ready for the rehearsal and for the dinner. I'm starved!"
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
The Grin
I wrote this story a few years back, one of my favorites about my husband :)
There's a big White Bengal Tiger that lies on the floor at the end of my bed. He's been there for 18 years. Odd against my light oak furniture, the huge sleigh bed, and towering Chest of Drawers. But he sits there and he guards my room. And the children want to play on him.
I always shoo them off. He needs peace. He's majestic and solemn, a permanent sereneness on his face. Sometimes he gets dusty and I have to wipe him down, otherwise I don't touch him. I smile at him and he almost smiles back, but not quite.
My husband won him at an amusement park, early in our marriage. He's not great at those games, and always spends too much money on them. I would stand two little ones tugging at me, "The carousel mommy." "No the ROLLER COASTER!" Sweaty and aggravated as he ignored us, tossing rings, or throwing balls, or darts. No luck, he'd plop more money down. "We have to save some for drinks." I would mutter through clinched teeth, he would wink at me. "I've got this one."
Usually he didn't. That day it was late, we were heading out, and he just had to try once more. I was tired, sun blistered and not in a charitable mood. I groused, and sighed and flopped down on a bench with two sleepy, also blistered children. He smiled his oblivious smile and off to the game he went.
I remember the smothering hotness of the day, the children's sweaty heads rubbing against my arms, and my frustration, but they settled, and a light breeze blew cooling our skins, and my eyes drifted to him.
He would line it up, bring his labor muscled arm back and throw. Shake his head, pick up another ball, his face was determined, brow furrowed. Concentrating, he would line it up again.
He'd always been determined. 18 years old and faced with responsibility bigger than both of us, he had shouldered it, took night classes to get out of high school early and joined the service.
Marriage, you've heard said, is hard. I never made it easier, young, spoiled and far from home, but he was determined we would make it work. And we did, sometimes not happily, or lovingly, but on that hot sweaty day we'd been married for 6 years, and found our steady rhythm.
And I watched him, and remembered the first time he kissed me, and that sweet grin he had, and how my stomach flipped over whenever I caught sight of him.
I caught sight of him now, coming back to us, that familiar grin and in his arms was a giant White Bengal Tiger, bigger than him. He leaned down, kissed me on the cheek. "I told ya babe."
"I want it! I WANT IT." Two voices cried out!
"No, this one is for your mother." He lifted his little girl on his shoulder,and then grasped his son's hand "but I bet I can get each of you one now!" They went off happily with him. I sat on the bench by myself and looked over at the Bengal Tiger. He almost smiled at me.
Red Dirt Road
We had not been to Jamie's house since he moved to LA(lower Alabama). It was on the Florida line, his church where he is associate pastor and his other job is all in Florida, but he lives in Alabama. He had rented the house in March, a bright blue cottage he told me, and I live right off the interstate. Well our GPS had us turning off before we were supposed to and going down this narrow red dirt road where we saw nothing but the road and over grown weeds and trees on the side, and Earl starting humming the very awful banjo scene from Deliverance. Stop it! I told him. It had been a long drive. We come from a small town, but this was the boonies if I ever saw the boonies. We finally found the road but we passed his house the first time. In the south they like bright colors on their houses, they also like lots of huge plants and trees to obscure those houses. We backed up and saw a bit of blue staring at us between tree branches. "That's it!" I said. We had found our son.
I had taken Mom back to the nursing home for the week, hoping she would be ok, even though she seemed upset for us to be leaving her. They already knew her there, knew her needs, so I felt confident they would take care of her. But still it was hard leaving her, knowing I was going to her grandson's wedding and she couldn't go. Justin, Jenna and Ben, Earl and I started off early on a wednesday because we wanted some time to maybe visit the beach, and I wanted to be there for Gifty that week because her parents weren't able to get their visas and I knew it would be a hard week on her. Our cultures are different, and I was hoping she wouldn't feel overwhelmed and lost amid it without anyone to turn to. She had just arrived there on the Sunday before from Philadelphia, and she was meeting new people all that week and staying alone in their house while Jamie was staying at the church. Once we arrived they would be able to stay together and she would be feeling more at ease I hoped.
But the trip was 10 hours and by the time we found the house I was worn out and feeling a little uneasy myself. Plus it was hot! Lower Alabama in May felt like August in Indiana, and Jamie only had two window air units in his living room and one bedroom and I was quite a bit spoiled with my central air. Earl and I went and bought them two fans, just so I could sit in front of them. And that first night we just unwound. The kids were hyper, excited about seeing each other, it had been so long, and Gifty was a bit shy. But before too long Justin was trying to wrestle Jamie and the girls were giggling and talking about their upcoming weddings. Ben, Earl and I just vegged on the couch until it was church time, and we went to hear Jamie preach to the Youth. Afterwards Pizza Hut (we never get to go to Pizza Hut around here enough) and back to Jamie's home where I just fell into bed and tried to sleep though my mind was going at warp speed, somehow I managed to drift off.
The next day we went to the beach. Jamie had to work and Gifty's aunt and uncle were going to be in town that day so she didn't come either. I really would have liked her to come, she seemed very stressed and nervous (but of course who wouldn't) but Gifty is not really a beach person anyway. She doesn't know how to swim, though Jamie is trying to teach her. She didn't get to go to the ocean much in India. And I think she may have wanted private time with her family. We were all sad her parents couldn't come, but at least her family from Philly was here. We met Jamie's Aunt Diana and Uncle Tim at the beach. They were surprising him and he didn't know they were coming. She wanted to do his wedding photos for him, and he was thrilled once he heard her voice on the phone when he called me on my cell. I can't believe they made this trip Mom, he told me, how very awesome is that? It was wonderful for us to have them with us. And his other Uncle Jim and Aunt Susie and cousin Crystal were on their way the next day. So that day we relaxed and I must tell you I needed it. They ate seafood by the beach (I had chicken) and shopped and laid there. It was about three weeks before they expected the oil to make it to the beach, and that made me sad, thinking about this beautiful beach being tarnished with oil. Blue skies all week. What a wonderful trip it was becoming. We got home, met Gifty's family and took them to their hotel. The next day was the rehearsal dinner and we had lots to do, well me and Gifty anyway. The rest of them were going to the beach again! What did they think this was, a vacation? :) I really didn't mind. I wanted some alone time with Gifty and I wanted to ease her mind if I could, and I was really looking forward to spending this day with my new daughter. I was feeling good, until I got a phone call the next day. It almost ruined the whole trip.
I had taken Mom back to the nursing home for the week, hoping she would be ok, even though she seemed upset for us to be leaving her. They already knew her there, knew her needs, so I felt confident they would take care of her. But still it was hard leaving her, knowing I was going to her grandson's wedding and she couldn't go. Justin, Jenna and Ben, Earl and I started off early on a wednesday because we wanted some time to maybe visit the beach, and I wanted to be there for Gifty that week because her parents weren't able to get their visas and I knew it would be a hard week on her. Our cultures are different, and I was hoping she wouldn't feel overwhelmed and lost amid it without anyone to turn to. She had just arrived there on the Sunday before from Philadelphia, and she was meeting new people all that week and staying alone in their house while Jamie was staying at the church. Once we arrived they would be able to stay together and she would be feeling more at ease I hoped.
But the trip was 10 hours and by the time we found the house I was worn out and feeling a little uneasy myself. Plus it was hot! Lower Alabama in May felt like August in Indiana, and Jamie only had two window air units in his living room and one bedroom and I was quite a bit spoiled with my central air. Earl and I went and bought them two fans, just so I could sit in front of them. And that first night we just unwound. The kids were hyper, excited about seeing each other, it had been so long, and Gifty was a bit shy. But before too long Justin was trying to wrestle Jamie and the girls were giggling and talking about their upcoming weddings. Ben, Earl and I just vegged on the couch until it was church time, and we went to hear Jamie preach to the Youth. Afterwards Pizza Hut (we never get to go to Pizza Hut around here enough) and back to Jamie's home where I just fell into bed and tried to sleep though my mind was going at warp speed, somehow I managed to drift off.
The next day we went to the beach. Jamie had to work and Gifty's aunt and uncle were going to be in town that day so she didn't come either. I really would have liked her to come, she seemed very stressed and nervous (but of course who wouldn't) but Gifty is not really a beach person anyway. She doesn't know how to swim, though Jamie is trying to teach her. She didn't get to go to the ocean much in India. And I think she may have wanted private time with her family. We were all sad her parents couldn't come, but at least her family from Philly was here. We met Jamie's Aunt Diana and Uncle Tim at the beach. They were surprising him and he didn't know they were coming. She wanted to do his wedding photos for him, and he was thrilled once he heard her voice on the phone when he called me on my cell. I can't believe they made this trip Mom, he told me, how very awesome is that? It was wonderful for us to have them with us. And his other Uncle Jim and Aunt Susie and cousin Crystal were on their way the next day. So that day we relaxed and I must tell you I needed it. They ate seafood by the beach (I had chicken) and shopped and laid there. It was about three weeks before they expected the oil to make it to the beach, and that made me sad, thinking about this beautiful beach being tarnished with oil. Blue skies all week. What a wonderful trip it was becoming. We got home, met Gifty's family and took them to their hotel. The next day was the rehearsal dinner and we had lots to do, well me and Gifty anyway. The rest of them were going to the beach again! What did they think this was, a vacation? :) I really didn't mind. I wanted some alone time with Gifty and I wanted to ease her mind if I could, and I was really looking forward to spending this day with my new daughter. I was feeling good, until I got a phone call the next day. It almost ruined the whole trip.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Preparations
I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell this to my children they just about throw up. --Barbara Bush
Jenna and Ben had come home in November 2009, ready to change a bit to their lives, and make a home here where they would be married. Intentions were to continue their schooling, but they wanted a break. So yes we said, come home, Ben can stay with us (downstairs of course) until he gets a job and finds an apartment. Ben is a go getting kind of guy, he had a job by December and by February he was moved out. I'm sure the fast speed had nothing to do with NOT wanting to live with us! It was good, though, and we got to know him a lot better. We saw their relationship develope closer before our very eyes. Though there was much going on with Mom, we still had to plan a wedding, and suddenly by February the original August marriage for Jamie and Gifty was pushed up to May, and it was going to happen in Florida. I was not thrilled about that. I wanted him home where my Mom could possibly attend, Jamie was her baby, her first Grandchild, and arguably her favorite. She never came out and said that directly, she said she loved all her grandchildren, but we kind of all knew it, and Jamie definitely knew it. But he was having a hard time with mamaw being so sick, I think, and he told me if it's down here, all the church people down here will help me, and you won't have to do much Mom, and we need to get Gifty's status changed before school starts or she will have to go full time somewhere down here, and she doesn't want to. And he was 25 years old, and that's what he wanted, so I thought ok. Jenna was a little aggravated that he had to get married before her though. :) As long as he doesn't have the first grandbaby, I'll be ok, she said. The idea of not having to do so much was appealing. Except I did their flowers. I made them by hand. I got a book that taught me how and I made them. I was pretty proud of those flowers. The week before we were to leave I realized I needed to do boutineres too. I did my best, but the girls flowers looked a whole lot better than the boys :) I called to have rehearsal dinner catered. But the wonderful women at his church did the most, and I will be forever grateful.
Earl and I were married in two weeks. He asked me, he asked Dad (that is a funny story I'll tell sometime) and we called the Preacher at his Mom's church. His brother Jim was his best man, we had the reception at his and Susie's and his brother Bill and his wife Judy got us the cake. His sister Diana got us the wedding book- and came over to my house right as I was getting up and snapped pictures of me with a towel over my face and one of Earl as he was opening his eyes. She wanted us to have first memory of that day and even back then her love of photography was evident. I love those pictures! Needless to say, it was small, just close family and a couple of friends. Two weeks! And I was a married woman. Jenna had ten months, and I still don't think we got it together like we should have. I had no idea the things involved in the wedding she wanted. She wasn't difficult, she was very easy going, but there was things she wanted. The first time we went dress shopping the lady that helped us kept telling her she needed an Ivory or Pearl dress, because she was so pale. She waited til the lady left the room - "I want WHITE WHITE and that's it!" She snapped, "I'll get a tan!" I had my doubts about that, my non sun loving daughter, but kept quiet. We did not buy a dress there. She wanted Ben in white too, which I think he was a little resistant too at first but came around pretty quickly. It does look so amazing to see them both in white, standing up there. She wanted Pink- cotton candy pink and she allowed the men to wear a light green. She knew exactly who she wanted in her wedding as her attendants, her beloved cousin and her three very best friends. Ben just wanted to get married, but he chose three men he was close to, and Jenna's brother, who though they weren't exactly close at the time - he had a strong feeling they would be, and that feeling came true. Justin loved being best man, but then again Justin loves having all attention focused on him and if he couldn't be the groom that day,(thank God- I told him he was not getting married for years!!!) being Best Man was the next best thing. :) She wanted her brother Jamie to perform the ceremony, no exceptions and when he said he started a new job in Florida and wasn't sure, she told him "You better be here!" and he was. They wanted Ben's grandpa to do communion and a reading. They wanted Ben's Mom do play the wedding march. She wanted my friend Faye and her cousin Chey to sing. She wanted a sand ceremony, which I really tried to talk her out of, because I love candles, but we had sand, and it was very beautiful. And she wanted to give roses to the mothers and grandmothers- which I had never really seen- but was one of the most heartwarming moments of the ceremony. She wanted me to wear pink. She wanted pink flowers. She wanted a human video done by her attendants- that was lots of fun! She wanted the reception at the Sherman House and she wanted everyone to have the best time. She and I made sure her cousin and great Aunt who were vegetarians had the food they desired. She wanted her Aunt Diana to do the pictures. She wanted our dear friends to be the Dj's. She wanted everyone as happy that day as she was. She wanted peace and love to be the theme. And I think it was. So a lot of planning went into Jenna and Ben's wedding, but before that we had to get to Jamie's and Gifty's and I had to find a place for Mom, a different dress and get everyone down there, and Not lose my mind in the process.
Jenna and Ben had come home in November 2009, ready to change a bit to their lives, and make a home here where they would be married. Intentions were to continue their schooling, but they wanted a break. So yes we said, come home, Ben can stay with us (downstairs of course) until he gets a job and finds an apartment. Ben is a go getting kind of guy, he had a job by December and by February he was moved out. I'm sure the fast speed had nothing to do with NOT wanting to live with us! It was good, though, and we got to know him a lot better. We saw their relationship develope closer before our very eyes. Though there was much going on with Mom, we still had to plan a wedding, and suddenly by February the original August marriage for Jamie and Gifty was pushed up to May, and it was going to happen in Florida. I was not thrilled about that. I wanted him home where my Mom could possibly attend, Jamie was her baby, her first Grandchild, and arguably her favorite. She never came out and said that directly, she said she loved all her grandchildren, but we kind of all knew it, and Jamie definitely knew it. But he was having a hard time with mamaw being so sick, I think, and he told me if it's down here, all the church people down here will help me, and you won't have to do much Mom, and we need to get Gifty's status changed before school starts or she will have to go full time somewhere down here, and she doesn't want to. And he was 25 years old, and that's what he wanted, so I thought ok. Jenna was a little aggravated that he had to get married before her though. :) As long as he doesn't have the first grandbaby, I'll be ok, she said. The idea of not having to do so much was appealing. Except I did their flowers. I made them by hand. I got a book that taught me how and I made them. I was pretty proud of those flowers. The week before we were to leave I realized I needed to do boutineres too. I did my best, but the girls flowers looked a whole lot better than the boys :) I called to have rehearsal dinner catered. But the wonderful women at his church did the most, and I will be forever grateful.
Earl and I were married in two weeks. He asked me, he asked Dad (that is a funny story I'll tell sometime) and we called the Preacher at his Mom's church. His brother Jim was his best man, we had the reception at his and Susie's and his brother Bill and his wife Judy got us the cake. His sister Diana got us the wedding book- and came over to my house right as I was getting up and snapped pictures of me with a towel over my face and one of Earl as he was opening his eyes. She wanted us to have first memory of that day and even back then her love of photography was evident. I love those pictures! Needless to say, it was small, just close family and a couple of friends. Two weeks! And I was a married woman. Jenna had ten months, and I still don't think we got it together like we should have. I had no idea the things involved in the wedding she wanted. She wasn't difficult, she was very easy going, but there was things she wanted. The first time we went dress shopping the lady that helped us kept telling her she needed an Ivory or Pearl dress, because she was so pale. She waited til the lady left the room - "I want WHITE WHITE and that's it!" She snapped, "I'll get a tan!" I had my doubts about that, my non sun loving daughter, but kept quiet. We did not buy a dress there. She wanted Ben in white too, which I think he was a little resistant too at first but came around pretty quickly. It does look so amazing to see them both in white, standing up there. She wanted Pink- cotton candy pink and she allowed the men to wear a light green. She knew exactly who she wanted in her wedding as her attendants, her beloved cousin and her three very best friends. Ben just wanted to get married, but he chose three men he was close to, and Jenna's brother, who though they weren't exactly close at the time - he had a strong feeling they would be, and that feeling came true. Justin loved being best man, but then again Justin loves having all attention focused on him and if he couldn't be the groom that day,(thank God- I told him he was not getting married for years!!!) being Best Man was the next best thing. :) She wanted her brother Jamie to perform the ceremony, no exceptions and when he said he started a new job in Florida and wasn't sure, she told him "You better be here!" and he was. They wanted Ben's grandpa to do communion and a reading. They wanted Ben's Mom do play the wedding march. She wanted my friend Faye and her cousin Chey to sing. She wanted a sand ceremony, which I really tried to talk her out of, because I love candles, but we had sand, and it was very beautiful. And she wanted to give roses to the mothers and grandmothers- which I had never really seen- but was one of the most heartwarming moments of the ceremony. She wanted me to wear pink. She wanted pink flowers. She wanted a human video done by her attendants- that was lots of fun! She wanted the reception at the Sherman House and she wanted everyone to have the best time. She and I made sure her cousin and great Aunt who were vegetarians had the food they desired. She wanted her Aunt Diana to do the pictures. She wanted our dear friends to be the Dj's. She wanted everyone as happy that day as she was. She wanted peace and love to be the theme. And I think it was. So a lot of planning went into Jenna and Ben's wedding, but before that we had to get to Jamie's and Gifty's and I had to find a place for Mom, a different dress and get everyone down there, and Not lose my mind in the process.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
The Charmed Life
charmed life 1.(idiomatic) A life in which one is always lucky and safe from danger.
Blessed: Definition: Someone is blessed when he or she feels that God has given them a sense of well being or done something good for him or her.
I have always been lucky. This is not to say that I win the lottery ever- though I do seem to win most prizes at baby showers, bridal showers, mary kay parties, home interiors, etc. etc. (just today I won both door prizes at my friend's mary kay debut:). At one of my nieces baby showers my sister in law just wrapped a present and handed it to me when I walked in the door. I know you're going to win anyway she says to me. I lucked out on the parent thing. They gave me a very secure, very loved childhood. We got to take vacations and had lots of family around. We lived on a lake, and went out on a boat or to the beach most weekends. Earl and I want to retire to a beach, or very close to a beach in our later years. I had plenty of friends, and a man who most people would say is rare. I took most of this all for granted, living this charmed life, until we had been married a couple of years and I got sick. I kept having these attacks. It felt like someone was taking a knife to my insides, I could barely move during these attacks, and they kept getting longer and longer. Jamie was still little, maybe a year and a half, and Earl was gone a lot. I would start to feel it come on and I would take Jamie and shut us up in my bedroom, and kneel on my bed until it passed. During which time, I couldn't move and Jamie would tear my bedroom apart. He would lean on the bed and look at me, I would tell him Mommy will be ok in a bit, and he would then take everything out of the drawers, off the shelves, and sit in the middle of the mess and laugh. Stinker. By the time it was over I was exhausted and he would be too, so I'd pull him up in bed with me and we'd fall asleep, so when Earl would get home he'd have to manuever through an obstacle course. I went to the dispensary there on the military base several times, they told me I had gastritus, or muscle spasms, maybe a pinched nerve. One doctor (though I had my doubts about them really being doctors) told me I needed to stop pushing Jamie in the stroller and carry him. I was very young and very naive. We never owned a car in Germany so we walked everywhere so after a few weeks of trying to lug this big kid around I called my Mom and she said "don't listen to that silly doctor, put that baby back in the stroller!" It went on for a year until one weekend in January of 1986 when the attack didn't end. I was miserable and throwing up til all I threw up was acid from my stomach. I laid in bed all weekend because the dispensary was closed on weekends, and I didn't have enough courage to go to a German hospital. On Monday morning I made it downstairs to our landlady to see if she would take care of jamie for a bit, and I went to sit at the dispensary for two hours. I had been feeling so bad I hadn't taken a shower all weekend, and my hair was dirty, so I put this bright purple knit hat on my head and sat there, sweating for two hours because I wouldn't take that hat off my head. I'm sure it looked worse than my dirty hair would have. Finally they saw me, and then called the barracks for my husband. They didn't know what was wrong, but I was jaundiced and my white blood cells were off the charts. They wanted to rush me to the hospital in Wurzburg an hour away. Earl went home, we only lived a block from base, to let Elmie our landlady know, but they wouldn't wait for him to get back. They sent me off in an ambulance without my husband. The bottom line was I had gall stones, but I was too sick to operate. They kept me on fluids for two days, and then did exploratory surgery. I have a scar that runs from one side of my stomach at an angle to the other side. They were afraid my stones were spread into my pancreas and my intestines, but they weren't. Lucky girl, they said. But that wasn't the moment I realized I was lucky. I realized during recovery while I drifted in and out of conciousness for four hours. I realized when I opened my eyes and I saw my husband standing there by the bed every single time, smiling down at me. I already loved him, but in that moment when I was far away from home , in an ICU in a foreign country and very scared, that's when I realized how very much I truly loved this man. He wouldn't leave me, He would never leave me, I think I knew that then. He stood without moving for four hours so I would see his familiar face when I finally became concious. That's when I knew I was lucky. I don't know what happened to that purple hat.
Blessed: Definition: Someone is blessed when he or she feels that God has given them a sense of well being or done something good for him or her.
I have always been lucky. This is not to say that I win the lottery ever- though I do seem to win most prizes at baby showers, bridal showers, mary kay parties, home interiors, etc. etc. (just today I won both door prizes at my friend's mary kay debut:). At one of my nieces baby showers my sister in law just wrapped a present and handed it to me when I walked in the door. I know you're going to win anyway she says to me. I lucked out on the parent thing. They gave me a very secure, very loved childhood. We got to take vacations and had lots of family around. We lived on a lake, and went out on a boat or to the beach most weekends. Earl and I want to retire to a beach, or very close to a beach in our later years. I had plenty of friends, and a man who most people would say is rare. I took most of this all for granted, living this charmed life, until we had been married a couple of years and I got sick. I kept having these attacks. It felt like someone was taking a knife to my insides, I could barely move during these attacks, and they kept getting longer and longer. Jamie was still little, maybe a year and a half, and Earl was gone a lot. I would start to feel it come on and I would take Jamie and shut us up in my bedroom, and kneel on my bed until it passed. During which time, I couldn't move and Jamie would tear my bedroom apart. He would lean on the bed and look at me, I would tell him Mommy will be ok in a bit, and he would then take everything out of the drawers, off the shelves, and sit in the middle of the mess and laugh. Stinker. By the time it was over I was exhausted and he would be too, so I'd pull him up in bed with me and we'd fall asleep, so when Earl would get home he'd have to manuever through an obstacle course. I went to the dispensary there on the military base several times, they told me I had gastritus, or muscle spasms, maybe a pinched nerve. One doctor (though I had my doubts about them really being doctors) told me I needed to stop pushing Jamie in the stroller and carry him. I was very young and very naive. We never owned a car in Germany so we walked everywhere so after a few weeks of trying to lug this big kid around I called my Mom and she said "don't listen to that silly doctor, put that baby back in the stroller!" It went on for a year until one weekend in January of 1986 when the attack didn't end. I was miserable and throwing up til all I threw up was acid from my stomach. I laid in bed all weekend because the dispensary was closed on weekends, and I didn't have enough courage to go to a German hospital. On Monday morning I made it downstairs to our landlady to see if she would take care of jamie for a bit, and I went to sit at the dispensary for two hours. I had been feeling so bad I hadn't taken a shower all weekend, and my hair was dirty, so I put this bright purple knit hat on my head and sat there, sweating for two hours because I wouldn't take that hat off my head. I'm sure it looked worse than my dirty hair would have. Finally they saw me, and then called the barracks for my husband. They didn't know what was wrong, but I was jaundiced and my white blood cells were off the charts. They wanted to rush me to the hospital in Wurzburg an hour away. Earl went home, we only lived a block from base, to let Elmie our landlady know, but they wouldn't wait for him to get back. They sent me off in an ambulance without my husband. The bottom line was I had gall stones, but I was too sick to operate. They kept me on fluids for two days, and then did exploratory surgery. I have a scar that runs from one side of my stomach at an angle to the other side. They were afraid my stones were spread into my pancreas and my intestines, but they weren't. Lucky girl, they said. But that wasn't the moment I realized I was lucky. I realized during recovery while I drifted in and out of conciousness for four hours. I realized when I opened my eyes and I saw my husband standing there by the bed every single time, smiling down at me. I already loved him, but in that moment when I was far away from home , in an ICU in a foreign country and very scared, that's when I realized how very much I truly loved this man. He wouldn't leave me, He would never leave me, I think I knew that then. He stood without moving for four hours so I would see his familiar face when I finally became concious. That's when I knew I was lucky. I don't know what happened to that purple hat.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Bella
Bella \b(el)-la\ is pronounced BELL-ah. It is of Italian and Latin origin, and the meaning of Bella is "beautiful".
She was supposed to be Earl's dog. Christmas Eve, 2008- the kids and he brought her home. She was adorable. I was not really a dog person. I like them all ok and we always had them because Earl loved dogs so much, but I much preferred an independent cat that curled up to me when they wanted to and ignored me when I wanted them to also. But once Jenna took her fat cat to college with her, I was ok without a cat too. Earl fell in love with his nephew's dog, a Boxer he had rescued, and when his nephew decided to breed his Boxer he promised his uncle first pick. And that is who he picked and named, Bella. He brought her home when she was 5 weeks old. She was supposed to be named after Disney's Belle- but Bella she became, so everyone always asks now are we Twilight fans. Umm...no not really... Earl had never seen the movie and he sure never read the book :) It's just who she became. She was learning tricks by the time she was 8 weeks old. She could sit, lie down, roll over. He worked constantly with her. Taught her to dance, taught her to stay. She is smarter than any dog I had ever seen, and my husband loved her so much, he came home every day at lunch to make sure she was ok, fed, watered, needed love. She was supposed to be his dog. But she loved me. I didn't do a lot of training, I petted, hugged, took her on walks. But I never thought of her as my dog, that is until we lost her. We had a family reunion in June of 2009, and took her with us. It was just over to Earl's brothers who lived in the same town as we did, and she'd been there before. They had her litter mate, Duke and Bella loved to run and be crazy with him, plus her Mama was there too. We thought it would be fine. But I left to go to the store with my sister in law, and Earl was in the pool and there was so many people and she couldn't find us. When I got back, I asked where she was, everyone thought she was in the house with the other dogs, but she wasn't. We searched the yard, and the surrounding woods. Earl and I walked down the road, his brothers and brother in law went out on the motorcycle, and their cars, and we searched, and yelled her name. For hours. Earl and I went up and down the interstate hoping to see her, yet hoping not to see her on the side of the road. The reunion was spent trying to find our dog. Where could she have gone? Why had we taken our eyes off her? My heart was breaking, worried she was hurt, or stolen, or God forbid dead. I couldn't imagine what the pain would be to lose a child, if I was almost paralyzed with fear for our puppy. We couldn't enjoy anything. We were numb. We couldn't eat, I felt bad for everyone else who sympatized with us. It was getting later, four hours later and we were back at his brothers house, just barely functioning really. I sat by the fire pit, staring into the fire and Earl was standing by the pool fence trying to have conversations with his family. Justin was sitting with me when suddenly he jumped up, looking behind us and off to the right. He hunched down and then took off running, "There she is!" He cried, she was at the edge of the woods. She had come back, and Justin ran to her calling her name, she came bounding to him, panting and jumping. OH Thank you God, I thought, and everything is right in the world again. Earl and I both ran to her, hugging her between us, scolding her, and she just licked our faces like "what's the matter with you two?" Earl finally ate then, and I put her leash on her and kept her by me the rest of the night. So she sort of became my dog that day. But once I lost my job and was home every day, especially after we brought Mom home, she became my shadow. It's like she senses I may need her at any moment. When I'm doing something for Mom, she sits at the foot of the bed and waits for me to be done. Sometimes I take her for rides with me when I go on errands in the car, even if I'm just getting groceries out of the car, and then driving the car down our steep driveway, she jumps in and rides down the driveway with me. After Mom's stroke, one day, I was exhausted, no one was home, and I just broke down and cried by myself. It's easier to cry alone sometimes, then you make no one feel bad, or feel like they need to comfort you, when honestly sometimes there is just no comfort to be had. I was sitting there, my head in my hands, when I felt a cold nose against my leg, and I looked down and there was Bella her head laid across my knees and her big brown eyes just looking at me with all the sympathy a dog can muster. I got down on the floor and wrapped my arms around her, laid my head on her head and kept crying. She never moved. She stayed that way, still as could be until I was done. Then she licked my face. Yes, that beautiful Bella, she's my dog.
She was supposed to be Earl's dog. Christmas Eve, 2008- the kids and he brought her home. She was adorable. I was not really a dog person. I like them all ok and we always had them because Earl loved dogs so much, but I much preferred an independent cat that curled up to me when they wanted to and ignored me when I wanted them to also. But once Jenna took her fat cat to college with her, I was ok without a cat too. Earl fell in love with his nephew's dog, a Boxer he had rescued, and when his nephew decided to breed his Boxer he promised his uncle first pick. And that is who he picked and named, Bella. He brought her home when she was 5 weeks old. She was supposed to be named after Disney's Belle- but Bella she became, so everyone always asks now are we Twilight fans. Umm...no not really... Earl had never seen the movie and he sure never read the book :) It's just who she became. She was learning tricks by the time she was 8 weeks old. She could sit, lie down, roll over. He worked constantly with her. Taught her to dance, taught her to stay. She is smarter than any dog I had ever seen, and my husband loved her so much, he came home every day at lunch to make sure she was ok, fed, watered, needed love. She was supposed to be his dog. But she loved me. I didn't do a lot of training, I petted, hugged, took her on walks. But I never thought of her as my dog, that is until we lost her. We had a family reunion in June of 2009, and took her with us. It was just over to Earl's brothers who lived in the same town as we did, and she'd been there before. They had her litter mate, Duke and Bella loved to run and be crazy with him, plus her Mama was there too. We thought it would be fine. But I left to go to the store with my sister in law, and Earl was in the pool and there was so many people and she couldn't find us. When I got back, I asked where she was, everyone thought she was in the house with the other dogs, but she wasn't. We searched the yard, and the surrounding woods. Earl and I walked down the road, his brothers and brother in law went out on the motorcycle, and their cars, and we searched, and yelled her name. For hours. Earl and I went up and down the interstate hoping to see her, yet hoping not to see her on the side of the road. The reunion was spent trying to find our dog. Where could she have gone? Why had we taken our eyes off her? My heart was breaking, worried she was hurt, or stolen, or God forbid dead. I couldn't imagine what the pain would be to lose a child, if I was almost paralyzed with fear for our puppy. We couldn't enjoy anything. We were numb. We couldn't eat, I felt bad for everyone else who sympatized with us. It was getting later, four hours later and we were back at his brothers house, just barely functioning really. I sat by the fire pit, staring into the fire and Earl was standing by the pool fence trying to have conversations with his family. Justin was sitting with me when suddenly he jumped up, looking behind us and off to the right. He hunched down and then took off running, "There she is!" He cried, she was at the edge of the woods. She had come back, and Justin ran to her calling her name, she came bounding to him, panting and jumping. OH Thank you God, I thought, and everything is right in the world again. Earl and I both ran to her, hugging her between us, scolding her, and she just licked our faces like "what's the matter with you two?" Earl finally ate then, and I put her leash on her and kept her by me the rest of the night. So she sort of became my dog that day. But once I lost my job and was home every day, especially after we brought Mom home, she became my shadow. It's like she senses I may need her at any moment. When I'm doing something for Mom, she sits at the foot of the bed and waits for me to be done. Sometimes I take her for rides with me when I go on errands in the car, even if I'm just getting groceries out of the car, and then driving the car down our steep driveway, she jumps in and rides down the driveway with me. After Mom's stroke, one day, I was exhausted, no one was home, and I just broke down and cried by myself. It's easier to cry alone sometimes, then you make no one feel bad, or feel like they need to comfort you, when honestly sometimes there is just no comfort to be had. I was sitting there, my head in my hands, when I felt a cold nose against my leg, and I looked down and there was Bella her head laid across my knees and her big brown eyes just looking at me with all the sympathy a dog can muster. I got down on the floor and wrapped my arms around her, laid my head on her head and kept crying. She never moved. She stayed that way, still as could be until I was done. Then she licked my face. Yes, that beautiful Bella, she's my dog.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Strength
"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places."
-Ernest Hemingway
I have forgotten to mention that in October of 2009 I also lost my job. The company I worked for was making a lot of cuts and I became one of those cuts. At the time I was not happy, but later I realized that the Lord was in that too. What if I had been working when this happened with Mom? I might have gotten fired because I spent every single day of December by her side. This way I had been given some severance and was able to draw my unemployment. Sure there are things that happen we will never understand, but God knows, we just have to trust him.
The first week at the hospital the doctor assigned to Mom's case, the head neurologist was not optimistic. She had had a massive stroke. For two days we had no response, and when she did open her eyes, she could not speak and seemed confused. He pushed us to make a decision- she couldn't eat, there wasn't much to do unless we put a feeding tube in her stomach, but he didn't recommend that. Why? I asked. He did not really clarify but he wasn't giving her any hope. I found out later that the doctors didn't think she'd make it past that first week, but there was a younger doctor there, fresh faced, and red headed. He was concerned that I wasn't getting the whole truth, and he had more faith in Mom. One day he stood by her bed, and then looked at me. "Mary, look at your daughter." He said sharply clearly, her eyes went directly to me. He smiled at me. "She knows what's going on. I believe it." He told me quietly. We had the feeding tube put in. If the Lord wanted to take Mom, he could, but it was not going to be because we starved her to death.
After a week she was released to come back to our home town to a nursing home. She still hadn't spoken, or moved her right side, but her vitals was good. She was not happy to be at the nursing home. When they wheeled her into the room where I was already waiting, she looked at me and sighed. I knew that look. Frustration. She couldn't tell me what she needed, but she didn't like this. "It's just for recovery, and rehab." I told her, but she pursed her lips and turned her head away from me. I still had hopes that maybe she would completely recover. I knew that she didn't like strangers, would not enjoy seeing new faces all the time, but we didn't have much choice at that point. I went home and cried myself to sleep. Everyone tried to comfort me, my kids and my husband, but I felt like a failure leaving her there. I got up the next morning and went back to the nursing home, which was less than three minutes from my house. I spent the next month there and most days she would just sleep. She wouldn't wear her glasses, they thought that her vision had changed. I brought her teeth, she wouldn't put them in. She refused to do rehab most of the time. It was so hard watching her struggle and feel hurt. I hated seeing her so tired and unhappy, but mostly I missed her voice. I would talk, and talk, and talk, until I grew tired of hearing myself. It wasn't the same, sure I had done a lot of talking when we had our conversations before, but it was her voice I longed to hear, her voice that reassured me and her laughter, I missed that too. I was wearing myself out emotionally and physically. The doctors and nurses kept telling me I had to take care of myself too. I now had two weddings to help plan. I had a family at home. She would be ok if you missed one day. But I thought of the time I broke my leg in 2007, and how when I was still in the ER I called my Mom to tell her, she said tell Earl to come get me. My husband and my son were already at my side, but she didn't say "Ok honey, let me know later how you are. After you have surgery maybe I'll come up and see you." No she said tell Earl to come get me, and I said "Please hurry, go get my mother." I wasn't going anywhere.
-Ernest Hemingway
I have forgotten to mention that in October of 2009 I also lost my job. The company I worked for was making a lot of cuts and I became one of those cuts. At the time I was not happy, but later I realized that the Lord was in that too. What if I had been working when this happened with Mom? I might have gotten fired because I spent every single day of December by her side. This way I had been given some severance and was able to draw my unemployment. Sure there are things that happen we will never understand, but God knows, we just have to trust him.
The first week at the hospital the doctor assigned to Mom's case, the head neurologist was not optimistic. She had had a massive stroke. For two days we had no response, and when she did open her eyes, she could not speak and seemed confused. He pushed us to make a decision- she couldn't eat, there wasn't much to do unless we put a feeding tube in her stomach, but he didn't recommend that. Why? I asked. He did not really clarify but he wasn't giving her any hope. I found out later that the doctors didn't think she'd make it past that first week, but there was a younger doctor there, fresh faced, and red headed. He was concerned that I wasn't getting the whole truth, and he had more faith in Mom. One day he stood by her bed, and then looked at me. "Mary, look at your daughter." He said sharply clearly, her eyes went directly to me. He smiled at me. "She knows what's going on. I believe it." He told me quietly. We had the feeding tube put in. If the Lord wanted to take Mom, he could, but it was not going to be because we starved her to death.
After a week she was released to come back to our home town to a nursing home. She still hadn't spoken, or moved her right side, but her vitals was good. She was not happy to be at the nursing home. When they wheeled her into the room where I was already waiting, she looked at me and sighed. I knew that look. Frustration. She couldn't tell me what she needed, but she didn't like this. "It's just for recovery, and rehab." I told her, but she pursed her lips and turned her head away from me. I still had hopes that maybe she would completely recover. I knew that she didn't like strangers, would not enjoy seeing new faces all the time, but we didn't have much choice at that point. I went home and cried myself to sleep. Everyone tried to comfort me, my kids and my husband, but I felt like a failure leaving her there. I got up the next morning and went back to the nursing home, which was less than three minutes from my house. I spent the next month there and most days she would just sleep. She wouldn't wear her glasses, they thought that her vision had changed. I brought her teeth, she wouldn't put them in. She refused to do rehab most of the time. It was so hard watching her struggle and feel hurt. I hated seeing her so tired and unhappy, but mostly I missed her voice. I would talk, and talk, and talk, until I grew tired of hearing myself. It wasn't the same, sure I had done a lot of talking when we had our conversations before, but it was her voice I longed to hear, her voice that reassured me and her laughter, I missed that too. I was wearing myself out emotionally and physically. The doctors and nurses kept telling me I had to take care of myself too. I now had two weddings to help plan. I had a family at home. She would be ok if you missed one day. But I thought of the time I broke my leg in 2007, and how when I was still in the ER I called my Mom to tell her, she said tell Earl to come get me. My husband and my son were already at my side, but she didn't say "Ok honey, let me know later how you are. After you have surgery maybe I'll come up and see you." No she said tell Earl to come get me, and I said "Please hurry, go get my mother." I wasn't going anywhere.
Vicki
November 2008. I received a card in the mail, it was a pretty card, said I am thinking of you and it was signed Vicki. Nothing else. Just Vicki. The return address on the envelope was unfamiliar to me as was the last name. I didn't know many Vicki's, a friend's mother was named Vickie and one other possiblity..could it have been..my sister? We weren't raised together. Like I've said before my aunt got me as a five month old baby, then adopted me. I had a few memories of her when we were little. Once when I was about 4 I remember she was over and we hid under the bed because she didn't want to leave and I didn't want her to. They found us though. And another time we were living in a Orange Stucco house then, and she was there out in the back yard, maybe I was 7, she was 3 years older. I remember her picking up a dandelion and rubbing it over my hand and then hers, she grasped my hand and said "You are my sister." When I graduated High School she came down from Michigan and stayed with my aunt and came to our house. It was a quiet visit, nothing much was said, we were strangers to each other, I didn't know about her life, she didn't know about mine. After I married she sent me a beautiful white bed spread I kept on my bed for many many years, until kids and time turned it a yellowish and stained. But the last time I saw Vicki it was 1987, my grandmother's funeral and I was pregnant with Jenna. I was worried about my Mom and distracted and we barely spoke, maybe hi. And then the years just passed. So now here I had a card in my hand with the name Vicki signed on it and I had no idea what it meant? Did she want to get in touch with me? Why did she only sign her name? It took me a week to find a card to send back, I wanted it to be as non assuming as her card was. But i did write in it, gave her my email address, asked if we could talk, if this was my sister. And a few days later I got an email and yes indeed it was my sister. We talked on email for a week or two, catching up, telling each other about our lives, I had two nephews and they were almost the same age as Justin. In fact she was pregnant when I was pregnant with Justin. I thought why didn't I know that? She gave me her phone number, and I kept it for a few days. Nervous, worried I would call and we would have nothing to say. Email is different than phone, I was a writer, I could wax eloquent on an email or text, but in a phone call? Well, I finally got up my nerve one night when everyone was gone and I placed the call. We talked for three hours. About everything. I loved her northern accent, loved that she laughed so much, that she was sarcastic like me. I loved that it felt like she was my sister even though we hadn't spoken in over twenty years. We talked for a few months, trying to make plans to see one another, but yet still a little nervous about it. I had told Mom right away about finding her again, she said oh that's good. But had little else to say, and I started feeling worried. Would this hurt Mom? She had been through so much lately, losing Dad. I was going to go up to my nephews high school graduation, but got cold feet, afraid of meeting all in her family at once, and Mom was starting to have memory lapses, and not feeling good. I think I hurt Vicki through that, I kind of withdrew, not feeling pressure from anyone but my own self, this is summer of 2009 and all things were starting to weigh on me. But Vicki was patient and understanding and caring and those last months of 2009, and when Mom had her stroke, she was supportive. She helped me through it too. And finally, in April 2010 after we had already moved Mom in with us, my sister came to visit. I thought it might be awkward at first, but the minute I saw her face, and we hugged it was ok. We spent many nights that week up til 2 or 3 in the morning just talking. Getting to know one another face to face. And back up early the next morning spending the day just talking, talking, talking. We had missed a childhood together, missed all those sibling moments when she or I would have probably been on each other's last nerve, now we were just grown up sisters, with a lifetime behind us, and though we might not have a lot of memories from the past, we had started making memories together that we would cherish forever.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Girlfriends
Friends never stand in your way, unless you are going down- Arthur Glasgow
A friend is the one who comes in when the whole world has gone out. ~Grace Pulpit
A good friend is cheaper than therapy. ~Author Unknown
Women need women. Face it, accept it, rely on it. Yes you put some women together and they can be catty and mean. They can backstab and gossip, but they can also be your very life saver. I've been so blessed my entire life with a wonderful mother who was my very best friend, my support, my champion. Then my daughter was attached to my hip and became another very close friend, and now that she's married there is even more we can share. But I also have some other very wonderful ladies who love me no matter what, and became close confidents of my life and thiers, who held me up through this tough mess that was my life the last few months and who without their prayer, support and humor I would have just laid down and gave up. Be prepared ladies I'm going to name you. There's Cathy,Tami, Laurie, Becky, Leigh, Kelly, Amy, Missy, Faye, Bevvy, Janice and Angie. There's long time far away friends who send me supportive messages on face book, Suzy, Bonnie, Dee. There are my three awesome sister in laws who through 27 years of being a family feel more like sisters than inlaws, Susie, Judy and Diana. I have two aunts that check on me periodically though they live in another state, Judy and Joy. There is my awesome niece Crystal who inspires me and makes me smile she's so beautiful inside and out. I even have a friend I've never met in person, but we starting talking on a writing website a few years ago and have kept in touch since then, Nadia she is a tremendous blessing. They range from 23 to 65. They each touch me in so many ways, encourage me, make fun of me, laugh with me, and tell me when I'm being irrational. They send me cards, and call me on the phone, take me out to lunch, go shopping with me and let me cry. And I thank you all. I love you all! But God didn't think I had enough girlfriends, he blessed me once again, he gave me back my sister. Her name is Vicki.
A friend is the one who comes in when the whole world has gone out. ~Grace Pulpit
A good friend is cheaper than therapy. ~Author Unknown
Women need women. Face it, accept it, rely on it. Yes you put some women together and they can be catty and mean. They can backstab and gossip, but they can also be your very life saver. I've been so blessed my entire life with a wonderful mother who was my very best friend, my support, my champion. Then my daughter was attached to my hip and became another very close friend, and now that she's married there is even more we can share. But I also have some other very wonderful ladies who love me no matter what, and became close confidents of my life and thiers, who held me up through this tough mess that was my life the last few months and who without their prayer, support and humor I would have just laid down and gave up. Be prepared ladies I'm going to name you. There's Cathy,Tami, Laurie, Becky, Leigh, Kelly, Amy, Missy, Faye, Bevvy, Janice and Angie. There's long time far away friends who send me supportive messages on face book, Suzy, Bonnie, Dee. There are my three awesome sister in laws who through 27 years of being a family feel more like sisters than inlaws, Susie, Judy and Diana. I have two aunts that check on me periodically though they live in another state, Judy and Joy. There is my awesome niece Crystal who inspires me and makes me smile she's so beautiful inside and out. I even have a friend I've never met in person, but we starting talking on a writing website a few years ago and have kept in touch since then, Nadia she is a tremendous blessing. They range from 23 to 65. They each touch me in so many ways, encourage me, make fun of me, laugh with me, and tell me when I'm being irrational. They send me cards, and call me on the phone, take me out to lunch, go shopping with me and let me cry. And I thank you all. I love you all! But God didn't think I had enough girlfriends, he blessed me once again, he gave me back my sister. Her name is Vicki.
Justin
There is a little wooden heart plaque that I've had since Justin was a baby that still hangs in his room and says "Boy- a noise with some dirt on it." That is our baby. I often told people when he was smaller that if Justin had been born first he would have been an only child. He wore me out. I had been decieved into thinking that all children were sweet and obediant and calm most times. Jamie was energy, jenna could be shrill but Justin was a tornado that met a hurricane and left me lying on the floor in it's wake. I was blindsided for sure. He never stopped, from the time he could crawl at five months I was chasing after him. Grabbing him off the counter, yelling at him to get down from the tree, daring him if he tried to slide down that bannister one more time he would be banished to a chair. I thought for sure if I had to call poison control one more time they would come and take him away from me. Mom told me God gave me Justin so I would know how most people lived. I'd had it too easy, she said, time to pay the piper. And pay I did. Now please don't get me wrong, Justin was a loving kid and very honest. If you hollared up the stairs and said, "What are you doing up there Justin?!!" He'd say "Just hanging the cat out the window, I want to see if he can fly!" And you'd have to calm his sister down because she was trying to get the cat from him, tears streaming down her little face and a look of pure glee on his. Or he'd have all her little friends screaming and running because he was chasing them buck naked telling them he was going to pee on them. Jenna had a tramatic childhood with her little brother. And as a teenager when every time she was still he'd try and put her in a half nelson or a sleeper hold. "Ugh get off me!" She'd yell "MOM!" Justin was and is a Daddy's boy. He is cute too which makes it hard to stay upset with him. He was picked out of all of kindergarten at his school to be one of Apple Festival Princes. He is outgoing and smart. By first grade we let him play on the football little league, he had so much energy he had to burn some of it off. So the rest of our school lives were spent at football fields in the rain and the snow, but we wouldn't have missed it for the world. In sixth grade he joined the wrestling team. He made varsity every year, and I cringed even when he was a senior and I had to watch him wrestle. I wanted to stand up and yell "Let go of my baby!" I never did it, but sometimes I'd look at Earl and say "I wish they wouldn't do that to my baby." And he'd smile, and say "He's fine."
He graduated High School in 2009- we were hoping he might go to a school here in Indiana, but my kids have this thing for Springfield Missouri. He was accepted to Evangel University with an amazing scholarship, and that was all she wrote. I know when they are little and you dedicate them to God, he tends to take them, so I accepted that he was going to be 8 hours away from me and Earl and I were for the first time in 25 years going to have an empty nest. So that fall he left for college. It was tough at first and we missed him. By that time Jenna was engaged and Jamie was falling in love, so we had other things to occupy our minds. But sometimes I would look at that plaque on the wall and think does poison control miss my calls?
He graduated High School in 2009- we were hoping he might go to a school here in Indiana, but my kids have this thing for Springfield Missouri. He was accepted to Evangel University with an amazing scholarship, and that was all she wrote. I know when they are little and you dedicate them to God, he tends to take them, so I accepted that he was going to be 8 hours away from me and Earl and I were for the first time in 25 years going to have an empty nest. So that fall he left for college. It was tough at first and we missed him. By that time Jenna was engaged and Jamie was falling in love, so we had other things to occupy our minds. But sometimes I would look at that plaque on the wall and think does poison control miss my calls?
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Earl
Meaning Earl- Noble Man
That he always has been. I can't continue my life stories without telling you about my husband. For the sake of this blog he will be Earl- but his full name is Earl Lester and all his family and me have always called him Lester, but everyone else he works with and our friends call him Earl. He never cared - he never liked either name. I often wondered how his mother looked at that cute baby and put that name on him but Earl suits him- he is Noble. We were going to the same High School when we met. I like that quote from the Notebook older Allie says "It was real, wasn't it? You and me. Such a long time ago, we were just a couple of kids. But we really loved each other, didn't we?" It's magical when you're young- those crazy feelings of love. When you think you would just die if you don't get to see him in the next minute. There was nothing going to stop me from marrying him as soon as I possibly could. I didn't want to be anything but his wife. Only 18 and he went to schoool at night to graduate early so we could be married. I had graduated the spring before but by December we were married, back in 1983. My parents adored him. He made me happy. He did everything he could to make me happy, and to take care of me. He joined the service and we went to Germany. Then life and reality sink in. Oh those feelings of love were still there but add to that a new baby, his long hours spent away from me, a foreign country and not a friend to my name. I was ready to pack it back to the states within a couple of months. He came home one night and said there was a woman's meeting on Base- I needed to go make a friend, and he was watching Jamie. So I did and I did make a few good friends, things got a little easier. We stuck it out through those first years in the military, when we were broke, and I was tired with the baby and Earl slept all the time because he worked morning to night. I remember our first real christmas together, the first clock I got to buy him, the first night we slept under our very own christmas tree, snuggled together looking at the lights, jamie between us. Seeing the fireworks on January first out of our bedroom window in Germany. Oktoberfest. Lots of very good memories there where we first became a family. Then we moved home and had our little girl. He got a pretty good job and we moved away again. Only an hour this time. Far enough but not too far. We had lean years, and another beautiful child, then things picked up. He went to school. We worked different shifts so we wouldn't have to have a babysitter. He is the best father that ever lived. I remember one of his friends asked him once, "What are you doing tonight, do you have to babysit?" and my awesome husband says "I don't babysit. Those are my children. I take care of my children." And he supported his children through everything, concerts and ball games, and even Jenna's cheering for basketball which he never cared for, he sat through every game just to see her cheer. He made us first priority and I adore him for that. I trust him with my life. He is my backbone. Heart disease runs in his family but we were shocked to our very core when he had a heart attack at age 36. It hit me for the first time that it was possible to lose him. That the very extension of myself could be cut off. Thankfully surgery went well and he has been in good health for the last 8 years, but that fear never really leaves me. And throughout Dad's sickness and passing, and now Mom's I always have that small thought what if I lose earl too? But I push it away and try to keep him eating healthy, and love on him as much as I can. And he holds me up. He rubs my neck and tells me he loves me. am I ok, what do I need? He never hesitated when I asked him if it was alright to move Mom in with us? yes, of course. He loved my parents as his very own. But mostly he loves me, and I know it. and I am blessed.
That he always has been. I can't continue my life stories without telling you about my husband. For the sake of this blog he will be Earl- but his full name is Earl Lester and all his family and me have always called him Lester, but everyone else he works with and our friends call him Earl. He never cared - he never liked either name. I often wondered how his mother looked at that cute baby and put that name on him but Earl suits him- he is Noble. We were going to the same High School when we met. I like that quote from the Notebook older Allie says "It was real, wasn't it? You and me. Such a long time ago, we were just a couple of kids. But we really loved each other, didn't we?" It's magical when you're young- those crazy feelings of love. When you think you would just die if you don't get to see him in the next minute. There was nothing going to stop me from marrying him as soon as I possibly could. I didn't want to be anything but his wife. Only 18 and he went to schoool at night to graduate early so we could be married. I had graduated the spring before but by December we were married, back in 1983. My parents adored him. He made me happy. He did everything he could to make me happy, and to take care of me. He joined the service and we went to Germany. Then life and reality sink in. Oh those feelings of love were still there but add to that a new baby, his long hours spent away from me, a foreign country and not a friend to my name. I was ready to pack it back to the states within a couple of months. He came home one night and said there was a woman's meeting on Base- I needed to go make a friend, and he was watching Jamie. So I did and I did make a few good friends, things got a little easier. We stuck it out through those first years in the military, when we were broke, and I was tired with the baby and Earl slept all the time because he worked morning to night. I remember our first real christmas together, the first clock I got to buy him, the first night we slept under our very own christmas tree, snuggled together looking at the lights, jamie between us. Seeing the fireworks on January first out of our bedroom window in Germany. Oktoberfest. Lots of very good memories there where we first became a family. Then we moved home and had our little girl. He got a pretty good job and we moved away again. Only an hour this time. Far enough but not too far. We had lean years, and another beautiful child, then things picked up. He went to school. We worked different shifts so we wouldn't have to have a babysitter. He is the best father that ever lived. I remember one of his friends asked him once, "What are you doing tonight, do you have to babysit?" and my awesome husband says "I don't babysit. Those are my children. I take care of my children." And he supported his children through everything, concerts and ball games, and even Jenna's cheering for basketball which he never cared for, he sat through every game just to see her cheer. He made us first priority and I adore him for that. I trust him with my life. He is my backbone. Heart disease runs in his family but we were shocked to our very core when he had a heart attack at age 36. It hit me for the first time that it was possible to lose him. That the very extension of myself could be cut off. Thankfully surgery went well and he has been in good health for the last 8 years, but that fear never really leaves me. And throughout Dad's sickness and passing, and now Mom's I always have that small thought what if I lose earl too? But I push it away and try to keep him eating healthy, and love on him as much as I can. And he holds me up. He rubs my neck and tells me he loves me. am I ok, what do I need? He never hesitated when I asked him if it was alright to move Mom in with us? yes, of course. He loved my parents as his very own. But mostly he loves me, and I know it. and I am blessed.
Mom
She lost her father at age 16 in a coal mining accident. She was the oldest daughter with 4 younger brothers and sisters and she told me she promised to take care of her little sisters while she sat there at the casket. She did that. She raised everyone- even her mother at times- they lived with Mom. She married my Dad when she was 18- she told me she married him because she couldn't get rid of him, but I never saw a love so strong as the one between my Mom and Dad. He took care of her and she took care of him. She cooked every single day. We always came home to a hot meal. All holidays were at our house, with Mom cooking. The large family gathered there and she took care of them. When she was 22 she had a tubal pregnancy and almost died. They took both tubes out and her hopes for children of her own were blown away. She said Dad never said a word. She always felt a little sad about not being able to give him his own blood child, but he didn't care. I have you, he would tell her, that is enough. When she was 29 and Dad 33 I was born to her brother- there were too many kids, and too little money and Mom said she went to see me one day and just brought me home and I became theirs. A few months later my birth parents agreed Mom and Dad could have me and once I was older at age 6 I was adopted. They were all I knew and I was loved. Mom loved her family, she didn't have a lot of friends other than family because family was her life. She said where she grew up was a lot of gossips and people who made up things, so she never went out of her way to make friends outside of her family. Her sisters, her sister in laws, and me we were her girls. The ones she talked to - shared things with, advised. She would listen to me for hours, just listen, let me jabber on and on about all things. She would give me advice, she would encourage me. And we would shop. Mom never drove a car, but once I got my license we became big time shoppers- :) When I went away to Germany with my husband, I called her constantly and got my phone cut off the bill was so huge. Then I wrote letters and came home twice. Once we moved back I saw her every day, until my husband got a job in another town an hour away and we had to move. I then would pack up the kids and go stay the weekend with her and Dad once or twice a month. And we talked on the phone, until once again my phone got cut off- :O) and I'd get it turned back on and it would get cut off again. Way before cell phones and free long distance. I just couldn't stop talking once I got her on the line. She is my very best friend. When Dad got sick and they moved into the town where I lived, again I could see her every day. Most of those two years were spent at doctors and hospitals, but I remember sitting there beside her at yet another hospital, worry etched on her face, but she would pat my hand, we'll figure this out. Once Dad passed away we both were lost. It was too hard on her, she couldn't believe we had lost him, it shouldn't have happened. She was sadder than I'd ever seen her, and I couldn't cheer her up because I was sad too. She moved along a few years, getting through holidays, his first birthday without him, anniversaries, but it felt as if we were still in a mire, barely moving, the grieving would not leave us. I tried to get her to have help, I tried talking to the doctors and see if they would prescribe her something, but she refused it all. I tried to take something to help me- because I thought if I could be better I could get MOM better, but it made me sick to my stomach and I couldn't take it. So I prayed and made sure she got out of the house, and took her shopping and to church. She got to where she didn't want to celebrate holidays and became upset when we tried to insist that she do it. So we stopped insisting. The last time I took her to the doctor I was concerned about her memory loss, but Mom shrugged it off and the doctor pretty much did too. That was in september of 2009. Mom got to meet Jamie's and Jenna's fiances at Thanksgiving that year. The next day we were heading out early to go wedding dress shopping with my daughter. Mom told me thanksgiving day she just didn't feel like going, that she would pass. When I called her that evening the next day, she asked me why I hadn't picked her up. "I said Mom, you told me not to, don't you remember?" "Oh yes, yes I do. Sorry, I was just kidding." But she wasn't and I was very concerned. On Sunday after church she wasn't feeling well, didn't want to go out and eat just wanted to go home. So I took her home, I had two funerals the next day- a dear friends stepfather and father in law had passed away within two days, so I told Mom I wouldn't be over on Monday, but I would see her on Tuesday. "Call me if you need me Mom." On tuesday morning I called early- no answer. I waited a few more minutes thinking maybe she was vacuuming or out checking the mail. Still no answer. I got in my van and drove over, I knew something was wrong, I felt it before I parked in the driveway and let myself in the house. It was silent. The coffee pot was pulled out like she was getting ready to make coffee, her glasses were on the kitchen table. I called out, "Mom!" no answer. I was never so scared to walk down that hall, physically I had to force myself put one leg in front of the other. I hesitated before peeking into her room, what would I see? Have a lost my Mom too? I did it, and she lay on the floor, arm caught in the bed frame and she was looking at me with wide eyes, but she couldn't speak. I rushed to her, got her arm untangled from the bed and called 911. It was december 1st, last month of 2009. What more in this crazy year were we going to endure?
Daddy
He was a big man, not real tall- only around 5'11 but larger than life. The life of the party- the positive influence and my cheerleader. He was the superHERO in my life- my life preserver- my advisor. He thought I was the all that end all. His baby girl. In fact that's what he called me my whole life- Baby girl. Him and Mom adopted me when I was 6. They had had me since I was a baby, 5 months old, but went through the courts and got papers signed so I was theirs before I entered school. I then started calling him Daddy. I wasn't an easy teenager- I was rebellious and mean sometimes, and I often wondered later how they could just love me through it. But they did, him and Mom. Dad took care of everything. When I was upset I called him, when I broke down in my car I called him, when a guy stranded me and Earl one night past midnight I called Dad. He was always there, always helping always the calm in the storm. When my husband had a heart attack at 36 the first thing I did was call him "Daddy" I cried and he was on his way. When he got sick in 2003 we were at a loss to what was wrong. He started losing his appetite and dropping weight. He went from 250 down to 140 in less than two years. Doctors and Hospitals couldn't tell us what was wrong. They did tests and examinations until he was weak and tired and finally a bone marrow revealed he had Amylodosis- a very rare but deadly disease- it was too late. The prognosis came too late and he was too tired. He was diagnosed in August 2005 and by October he could barely get out of bed. I took FMLA so I could be there- they had moved to my little town when he started getting sick, so they lived across the bridge from me and me and Mom took care of him. I remember those last weeks as he lay in his swing, his feet in my lap and told me he was ready to go, ready to meet Jesus. We weren't ready to let him go. I told him no he could get stronger- He said "I love you baby girl. Take care of your Mom." I cut his fingernails and he told me how proud he was of me as a mother and wife and daughter. How much he loved his grand children. That last sunday I leaned down to kiss him goodnight and he said "I'm tired baby girl. It will be ok." But we still denied it, still hoped, still clung to his strength. But he didn't speak any more. For three days we stayed by his side praying and he took his last breath on a wednesday and was gone. I was alone with him in the room, holding his hand when the life went out of him. I cried out for Mom but it was too late. He had left us and I just sat there for a long while, holding on to his hand until the home care nurse came and asked me to let him go. My mom needed me. I heard someone say once "I don't know how to be in this world without my Dad" and I knew what that meant. Losing anyone is hard, but losing a parent, a child, a spouse is devestating to the point where you wonder how do you go on? I walked around in a daze for so long, and Mom and I were both in such mourning we could barely comfort one another. Even now, almost 5 years later my heart hitches and tears gather when I talk about him. I miss him, but my Mom- she missed him even more.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Jenna
She was blond and curly headed. Quiet and a little shy. My sweet little middle child- only girl and spoiled rotten. She had (and still has) more clothes, more dolls, more jewelry and make up then one little girl ever needed. But we kept piling it on. She was my buddy. I'd grab her and take off on saturday mornings- escape from the boys. We'd go to lunch, go shopping, go to the library and she would talk to me. I listened through all her life, drama and boys, drama and those girls who were mean, drama and what she wanted to do with her life. Anyone who has had a girl knows there is Drama. Junior High is a mine field with life and death situations every day. I was so glad to see her go to High School- maybe then the drama would settle down! It did. She found her footing and her love for cheering and broke out of her shyness. She had speech problems when she was small and that brought on her shyness around others but by the time she was in High School and had so many friends, and one friend who was pushed her to be outgoing,( and a mother who told her she could do anything- not to worry about what others thought) she tried out for Cheerleading and made it. She cheered the whole of high school and then one year in college. She loved it. She was great at it! And she still is the most beautiful cheerleader that high school ever saw! :) But that wasn't her goal in life- it was something she liked but she had plans. She was going to meet and fall in love with a Prince and serve God with that Prince. I want her to have some kind of career, I still pray and hope she gets a degree and I think she will eventually, but Jenna loved babies. She started babysitting when she was eleven, She worked a day care, she became a nanny for one year before college and now that she is back home- she babysits again. The career she wants has to do with children counseling. And one day soon she wants to be a mother. Jenna went off to college with her brother in tow- they got an apartment and both started at Central Bible College in 2008. The first few months were very hard for me- I missed her like crazy and knew it wouldn't be long before God brought someone special to her and I would be losing her in a different way. That happened in February of 2009. She was getting ready to go on a missionary trip to Belize and called me and told me she met a boy who had to be the most handsomest man she had ever met and when she got back she was going on a date with him. Ok, I thought, no biggie. But it turned out it was a biggie. She dated him for a few months and he went home for the summer and then she stayed in Springfield to work while her brother went to Florida. I only got to see her twice that summer, but both times her whole visit was talk about this man named Benjamin. He was handsome, he loved God, he wanted to be a Pastor, he was so handsome, he was so nice. "I think I'm in love with him Mom." "Jenna don't rush it." but she would look at me like my head was on backwards. Don't rush it? She had been waiting her whole life to fall in love, and now I was saying don't rush it. In late August 2009 Earl and I went out to springfield to see her and Jamie and to officially meet Benjamin. He was nervous, understandably. She would whisper to me "Isn't he wonderful? Isn't he handsome?" And I would nod and think yes but is this too soon? As we were pac king our bags up to head home I carried a bag out and Earl and Ben were in a deep conversation by the van. "What was that?" I asked my husband. "He just asked if he could marry our daughter. I told him yes." By the time we arrived home that night, Jenna called and said they were engaged. Whew. 2009 just call it whirlwind.
Jamie
(no names have been changed to protect the innocent:) Our first born. It was a warm day in June when I first met the black headed blue eyed baby that stole my heart and breath away. Every child born afterward brought a special glow to my heart, but that first one, how do you even describe the feelings? He smiled in his first picture. A lopsided grin that said "Hey world I'm here. Prepare to be dazzled!" And dazzled we were. Laughing, happy, loving, excited. Jamie was always excited about life, everything was cool and neat. I have an entire video tape of his 5th year birthday where mostly what he did was jump around and sing "la la la la da da la la la". He talked constantly (and still does), I got into the habit of tuning him out, and that aggravated him, "Mommy, Mommy, do you hear me Mommy? Ok Mommy? Ok?" He would tug at me, and stand directly in front of me. He would lean on me when I was on the phone and ask me who I was talking to, what was I talking about. He liked to have our full attention. Just the other day on the phone he says, "Are you listening to me MOM? You seem distracted?" You have to throw a comment in there every once in a while or he thinks you aren't listening. Jamie was passionate too, about a lot of things, but mostly Passsionate about God. When he was 8 he got saved, baptised and announced to us that he was going to be a Preacher of God's word. Wow! OK. But he never ever deviated from that. At age 12 he preached his first sermon and throughout his high school years- he preached and went to Nationals 3 times with his sermons, and applied to Central Bible College in Springfield Missouri and that was it. No other schools did he apply for. His freshman year My Dad got sick and was sick for 2 years. His junior year (october) My Dad passed away (another time for that) and Jamie came home and preached the funeral. That was his 2nd Funeral to preach that year, in Feb he had preached his other Grandfathers. So in January of his junior year he decided to take a break from school. He was worried about my Mom, his mamaw, who was alone for the first time in 51 years. She lived in the same town as I did, they had moved to be close to me when my Dad got sick. Jamie comes home and moves in with her, got a job, and lived with her for almost 3 years. Then in 2008 he and his sister go back to springfield to college so he can finish up and she can start, again at Central Bible College. Jamie thrived in school, he always loved to learn and was excited to be finishing his degree, Pastoral Studies. During his last stint in school he got to thinking about his future and a family. Until then he had been single minded about study and school. He rarely dated throughout high school and college. He wanted to be pure when he married and didn't want a lot of past baggage to deal with, so he kept his mind on school work and politics, another of his passions. But in that last year of school he was talking to some girls and talking to some on the internet. What do you think of the internet dating? I admit I was leary, but I was explained to many times it's like a blind date, but you get to know them better (if they are truthful I would say.) Why wouldn't they be truthful, he would ask, my honest son who didn't fathom deciet in people. I guess the first time he told me he was going to marry someone of different nationality was when he was fifteen. "Why?" I asked him. "I like different culture." He would say, "Would it be weird for you Mom if I married someone different?" "Jamie you know it will be hard to marry someone of a different race or culture." "Are you prejudice Mom? How would it be hard?" And I never had a suitable answer. "
God loves everyone Mom, he loves me and he loves asian people, and mexican people, and hawaiin people and african people and everyone." And I had to admit yes he did. So it never surprised me to learn that Jamie was talking to a girl that lived in India. But she was in India and it seemed like that was just another friend he had made, until May of 2009 and he went to Florida for his internship. The relationship intensified and miracles started to happen. "Gifty is coming to America." He told me one day on the phone. "She got a visa for school and starts school in August in Philadelpha, and I'm going to go meet her." They had been talking for several months at that point and I realized there was something different going on. There was light in his voice, happiness that otherwise wasn't there, and excitement again. In October he flew from Springfield to meet her, and called me when he got home. "I'm going to ask her to marry me." By this time my daughter was already engaged, and the thought of another child marrying was sending me spinning. Everything was happening fast in my life in 2009. I said we want to meet her, and he brought her home for thanksgiving.
I had misgivings, I was concerned that this happened so fast, she was from India, we didn't know her family, lots of thoughts and worries crossed my mind, but two minutes after that beautiful girl walked into my home I fell in love with her too. Seeing them together, watching them make each other laugh, listening to her talk and seeing the same love she had for the Lord my son did calmed every fear I had. They were made for one another. What an exciting year 2010 was going to be!
God loves everyone Mom, he loves me and he loves asian people, and mexican people, and hawaiin people and african people and everyone." And I had to admit yes he did. So it never surprised me to learn that Jamie was talking to a girl that lived in India. But she was in India and it seemed like that was just another friend he had made, until May of 2009 and he went to Florida for his internship. The relationship intensified and miracles started to happen. "Gifty is coming to America." He told me one day on the phone. "She got a visa for school and starts school in August in Philadelpha, and I'm going to go meet her." They had been talking for several months at that point and I realized there was something different going on. There was light in his voice, happiness that otherwise wasn't there, and excitement again. In October he flew from Springfield to meet her, and called me when he got home. "I'm going to ask her to marry me." By this time my daughter was already engaged, and the thought of another child marrying was sending me spinning. Everything was happening fast in my life in 2009. I said we want to meet her, and he brought her home for thanksgiving.
I had misgivings, I was concerned that this happened so fast, she was from India, we didn't know her family, lots of thoughts and worries crossed my mind, but two minutes after that beautiful girl walked into my home I fell in love with her too. Seeing them together, watching them make each other laugh, listening to her talk and seeing the same love she had for the Lord my son did calmed every fear I had. They were made for one another. What an exciting year 2010 was going to be!
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