Today's question and answer

 Today's question is Describe your relationship with your parents. Is that really a question?

This one is pretty easy, well it was when I was little, it was perfect, we are just going to skip through the teen years and forget that I was an ungrateful brat most days and head right into my grown up years when I began to appreciate them.

I've already written a blog on both on my Mom and my Dad, so I won't go into great detail, but my Dad was my superhero and my Mom was/is my best friend. I am forever grateful for the parents the Lord gave me to. They shaped my life. They showed me to tough it out no matter what, that joy comes in the morning.

and I believe that joy will come in the morning.

I am ready for the morning.

Here we go...oh oh oh

I just love the sitcom Raising Hope- so their theme song is stuck in my head this morning therefore the title of this post.

My thirty days of writing is on day two and question number 2 is:

  Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears

This is kind of hard for me. I don't have a lot of fears. I don't like mice, but I don't really fear them. Now I guess I kind of fear snakes. But that's just common sense, you should fear something that could kill you right? But then again I don't really fear death. Because I believe in heaven and I believe that if I die on this earth I will be alive in heaven. I'm looking forward to heaven. If I didn't have my faith I may fear death, because what hope would we have then? Just to die and be dead? I'm bordering on morbid today, let's move on.

I do fear losing my kids, and my husband. I do not want to be without them. That's why I have so much pain for my daughter Jenna, because losing David left a big hole in my heart, but I know it hurts her and Ben much more, and I fear for any of my children to feel that pain again. I didn't move on very far did I?

Our life is full of pain and sorrow. But there is joy. My Mom never feared many things. She wasn't afraid of mice, or snakes or being home alone in the dark, so fear wasn't transferred to us kids. My Mom is a brave woman who stood up for herself. I tried to emulate that. I think fear steals joy. I want to be joyful and happy. I want my family to be joyful and happy.

OK. So here is my answer:

Don't be afraid.

Of anything.

and if you are

Conquer your fears. Because life is not meant to be lived in fear.

I never follow the rules on anything. If you know me very long, you will find that out about me. Even answering simple questions cause me to rebel and not answer the questions correctly. :)

I remember my drama teacher in high school telling me "You just can't take authority can you Diane?" and I said "NOPE. LET ME BE ME."

I was kind of a brat.

30 Things

I came across a blog that listed 30 things to ask your spouse or yourself during a road trip. I thought I might try and do that on here (I'm been slacking on writing so I thought I might try and do this to flex my writing muscles)- If you are reading my blog you might be interested in my life- right? Well maybe, so anyway...here goes.  1st Question- List 20 random facts about your life.

1.  I have an amazing husband who just yesterday danced me around the kitchen singing Hey, I Love you and said he was ready for the beach. I am too. He can always surprise me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHWMlsyjOa4

2. I have three beautiful children who are my life. Jamie- Jenna- Justin- they are my heart and bring me happiness and joy most every day.

3. I have two wonderful children that are married to my kids. Gifty and Ben. They are my heart also. They have brought freshness and joy to my life as well.

4. I have a twin brother who drives me crazy, makes me laugh, and has my back even when he's mad at me. We have shared so much pain and joy. I love you Keith, I'd like to smack you too. :)

5. I am adopted- read past posts. It shaped my life, but did not define me.

6. I have the best nieces and nephews in the world.

7. I am close to all of my sister in laws- Susie, Diana, Judy, Debbie and Karen. Strange huh? But they are my best buds.

8. Some of my writing was published in a college text book written by my High School Writing Teacher- Tom Romano-  Writing with passion- check it out some time. I have an entire inter chapter named after me. One of the coolest moments of my life.   http://www.amazon.com/Writing-Passion-Stories-Multiple-Genres/dp/0867093625/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1332686724&sr=8-1

9. I love ice cream. Too much.

10. I love cruises.

11. I love Doritos. Too much.

12. I am a caregiver to my Mother. I have been taking care of her for the past two years. The hardest job I've ever had, but also the most rewarding (besides raising my children.)

13. I lived in Germany for two years when we were first married.

14. Touching my grandson for the first time was the most defining moment of my life. The love I had for him was the most overwhelming of my life.

15. Losing our grandson was the most painful moment of my life.

16. I love girl scout thin mint cookies. Too much.

17. I absolutely love going to church. And am forever thankful that the Lord loves me.

18. I have the best friends that anyone ever has had.

19. I am a writer. I have been writing since I was eight years old, some of my best memories are hunched over a old Royal manual Typewriter that was my dad's. I wore out the ribbon and would rewind it and rewind it until it was threadbare. I still have it.

20. My desire is to heal, and help with my words. I hope that I do.


So there you go- first question. This month should be interesting.

Motivate

Well I managed to slog my way through January without making any effort whatsoever to exercise. Not good. So today is February 1st and I made a promise to myself that I will exercise, I will lose weight, I will become healthy.  So before I could talk myself out of it I jumped on the scale and I was prepared to be sick to my stomach, but it wasn't as bad as I thought. I mean it was still bad, but not as bad as I thought. I can do this.

I told myself that I will lose twenty pounds, then I will go from there. I'm not going to set my goal so high I can't reach it and then get discouraged.

So I'm losing twenty pounds. Earl came home for lunch and I told him I was going to go to the gym with him after work.  He was happy, he always likes it when I go to the gym with him. He thinks he's sexy while he's working out. Well he kind of is, but moving on....

But Now I'm committed so I have to do it.

So I will let you all know how my progress goes. Today is the first day of the....oh that's so cheesy, I never did like that quote so I'll find you another one. "There are only two choices...make progress or make excuses." I'm done making excuses.

I have to be able to keep up with all those grandbabies I'm going to have one day.  I'm not old yet.

Well not too old.

Yes I do

I wonder when I am going to quit crying.

I saw an old friend today. I hadn’t seen her in a few years. She said I heard James was married.

I said Jenna is married too. Then I braced myself for the next question.

“Any grandbabies yet?”

My heart went to my throat and tears were in my eyes instantly. I saw her confusion but I nodded anyway.

“Yes one. He was born too early and now he’s in heaven.” But he is my grandbaby. It would probably just be easier to say no and change the subject. But he means something to me. David means so much to me. Even though I didn’t get to spoil him, or really hold him and reign kisses down on his face. I won’t ever deny him. He was our first. His life meant something to me, and I want people to know he was here, if only for a little while.

He taught me how much they mean. Children. Grandchildren. How very precious they are.

Jenna and I were talking the other day how we wished we had more pictures. The next time we will take a million and one on their very first day.

And we pray we never see the inside of a NICU again.

I just hope the next time someone asks me, “Do you have grandchildren.” I can say yes without crying. I am hoping to add seven or eight more christmas ornaments to my tree, but in that count will always be David, first and foremost, our #1 grandson, and I will love them all as much as I love that little boy.

Miracle

I start to feel sorry for myself. I start thinking how unfair it was that my daughter lost her son, that I lost my grandson, when all we wanted was to love him and spoil him. I even cry, a lot. And then I read a story about a mother whose son fought to live for two years with a crippling disease and then passed away. Or I hear about a friend whose three year old daughter is fighting cancer and stuck in the hospital most of her young life. I think about those parents whose lives aren’t normal. Who live at the hospital even if they have other children at home. Who may be single parents, who don’t have anyone to help through the pain. Or a young couple whose had four miscarriages, or a young couple whose only desire is to have a child, but cannot get pregnant. I want to wrap them all up in my arms and make it better for them.

I start to think about how blessed I am. How much love has been shown to our family through this tragedy. How very much we are truly loved and cared about. I know my daughter will have children one day. We will always miss David. But he’s not sad. I think about that. I think that my Dad and his other grandpas are playing with him right now. I believe that his life in heaven is so much more than this life on earth could ever be.

I think about how very much I love my family. How we have held each other up through all this pain and suffering and I think about those we have lost. How their legacy still lives on through us. I can hear my Dad saying “It’ll be ok baby girl.” And because I believed him when he said that to me, I believe him now. I think Dad has David on his knee teaching him to fish. Or maybe (if there are golf carts in heaven) driving him around on a golf cart telling him about the best club to use to hit that little white ball (maybe gold ball). I think about those things, because they make me smile.

I have felt so very close to God through this. I feel like he’s right here at my side letting me know that it’s going to be ok. I DO feel like it’s going to be ok, even though my heart is broken. I wish sometimes that time would speed up the healing, so I wouldn’t get that sharp pain in my heart when I think about holding my grandson that last day.

He was a beautiful little boy. And I believe he felt how much we all loved him. That’s why he felt ok leaving us. He had nothing else to do down here. He showed us loved. He showed us that we have the capacity to love with our whole being one so tiny and new. David’s smiling right now because he accomplished more in six days then most of do in a life time. He left a legacy of Love for us to draw strength from.

So when I start to feel sorry for myself, I make myself stop. I will still cry. I will still miss him. But I will think of his deep blue eyes and a smile on his face. Sometimes I say “Goodnight David, Mawmaw loves you.” and I think he’s saying “Mawmaw I love you too.”

That’s the Miracle of Love.

It never ends.

The Top Five Things I like about My Husband

1. He married me. When you are a young girl dreaming about that perfect guy, what do you see? I saw a dark headed man with blue eyes, until I met Earl and I saw a dark headed man with green eyes. And I knew instantly that I would spend my life with him. Because….he got me. He took all of my crazy and ignored it and loved me anyway. I was young, immature ( I know hard to think that I was immature) and very very spoiled and used to getting my way. But he pushed through all my pushing him away and asked me to be his wife. So yeah, that’s one of my favorite things about my husband, he likes to get his way too.

2. He never ever criticizes me. I burned his food, I burned his army dress shirts, and I liked to read and play with the kids and not do housework. So when he’d come home and dinner wasn’t ready, and the laundry was still in baskets, and I was on the floor reading books to the three munchkins we had, he’d lay down on the floor and listen and then we’d go get hamburgers.

3. He compares himself to Rocky. “Yo Adrian” yes his favorite movie line of all time and I’ve heard it fifteen billion times. The night we got married we watched Rocky II. He struts around flexing his muscles and shadow boxing. “I coulda been a contender” Was that the same movie? Not sure, but Earl doesn’t take himself seriously. He likes to have fun, he likes to make me laugh. And girls if you can find someone who makes you laugh, keep him. I’m keeping my Rocky.




4. He likes to shop. We got married in December. A week before Christmas. So our anniversaries have been spent Christmas Shopping and usually a very nice dinner. We can roam malls and stores together for hours, and the best part is he likes to buy me stuff. He likes to buy himself stuff too, but mostly me.

5. He is the best Dad in the world. We have three children with different interests, but he supported them all three in whatever they were doing. If it meant going to Florida or Missouri to hear Jamie preach a sermon, or sitting through basketball games to watch Jenna cheer, or see Justin wrestle, or do a spelling bee. Earl is there. His kids are his main concern, always have been. He doesn’t like to see them hurt. He will do anything to ease their pain. Even when there is nothing to do, he will sit there and listen. That’s what makes him great. He knows that to be the best Dad you just have to be there.

　

There are many more things I like about my husband, too numerous to name, but here’s the top five. I just needed to write out something that made me feel good. That brought back into focus what life is about really. Love, partnership, support. I’m a blessed woman to have that. And I know it. Life is good.