Another Post on Grief

I'm going to be honest. You're thinking when have you never been honest Diane? I try to always be but sometimes I'm not honest with myself. I'm going to be honest, this year sucked. There were good things - there were wonderful things. Two new granddaughters since last September - wonderful times spent with my family- lovely summer. But most of it sucked because I missed my Mom. Every single day.  And her death anniversary is in six days. I'm already anxious. I'm trying to grieve before the day comes so that day doesn't hit me like a brick to the chest. I will get through it. I've gotten through a lot of death anniversaries. They all suck. Life doesn't suck. Death sucks. The first month after my Mom died is a blur to me. I have no idea what happened that month, it's almost a blank in my mind. I know we did things, we celebrated birthdays, we breathed, we shopped, but I can't recall any memory of it but blackness over my head and spending days in bed. I surfaced around thanksgiving. The holiday season woke me up some, then came January and the days were so quiet and I was so sad. Sadness still washes over me like waves. Losing my dad was hard, losing David was devastating but in losing my Mom I lost myself. I had taken care of her for six years and suddenly I had nothing to do. It's taken me this whole year to learn to live without her. Ok try to live without her, I'm not sure I'm actually living yet. I'll get there I know. I have God that I lean on. I have hope to see her again on Heaven. She was so much a daily part of my life that my life feels incomplete now. But maybe I can start writing again. Maybe one day it won't hurt to think of her. Maybe I talk about death too much. But I've seen a lot of it. I'm still living though. Still have joy. Still have life to live and give and enjoy. So this sad post is done and I lived through it. Tomorrow will be better and then the next day better still.  Life is good. And hopefully this next year won't suck.