Summer

What does summer mean to you? To me it's sun, and sea, and bar-b-ques and lightening bugs and camping trips and the lake, garden vegetables and sweet strawberries. It's an island in the middle of St. Mary's lake that my Dad used to take us to every weekend in the summers of my childhood. Where Mom had a cooler packed, and Dad grilled us hot dogs and himself a steak. My family on a pontoon boat, them fishing, me laying on the cushions reading, because I hated to fish, with the hot sun beating down on my back. The smell of sunscreen being rubbed on my shoulders. It's late nights running the neighborhood with my friends. It's cool sheets, and a breeze. It's sleeping on my grandma's porch in florida, listening to the croaking of frogs and crickets and other night noises. And later it's my kids running around outside til they couldn't see each other, but never wanting to come in. It's watching the ocean waves knock them over, them coming up sputtering and laughing. It's Disney World, Kings Island or Universal Studios. It's mosquito bites, sunburns and poison ivy, but it's mostly always good. Is it any wonder that summer is longed for and missed when gone?

It's a time of freedom and joy. Vacations, long weekends, fireworks. It's laughter. It's sweaty bodies cooled off in the pool. It's slumber parties and tents in the back yard. It's swaying on my swing. It's popsicles and Dairy Queen runs.

It's my favorite season of all.

Twenty eight years ago it was the birth of our firstborn. A lovely sunny day. I was hot and swollen, but the day was the most special day I'd ever experienced. A beautiful sweet tiny baby boy, born with a smile on his precious face.

Two years ago it was the wedding of our daughter, started off raining, but turned into a magnificent sunny day. A joyful day.

Summer to me also means love. First love, a mother's love. An old love, a strong love. I didn't meet my husband in the summer, I met him smack dab in the middle of winter, but that first summer with him was our turning point, when we knew this was it. Me & You baby. Forever. It was sitting on my parent's front porch dreaming of our future. Talking about what our lives were going to be like.  Twenty nine years later we still sit outside and talk about what our lives are going to be like. More of the same we say, more love, more children, more happiness. I pray. I hope. I dream.

That's the thing about summer, it makes all things possible. The gray of winter has passed. The promise of good things to come. This poem always comes to my mind:

God hath not promised skies always blue,
Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through;
God hath not promised sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.

But God hath promised strength for the day,
Rest for the labor, light for the way,
Grace for the trials, help from above,
Unfailing sympathy, undying love.

We can't always have summer, but we can always look forward to it and know that eventually it will come. And even in the harsher seasons of our lives, God has gave us this, his promises of help and love.

May this be your summer to experience the bounties of his love.

What If .....

A year ago our daughter Jenna got pregnant. We found out in July. I remember that day so clearly. It was 5:30 in the morning, she called her dad to tell him and said "I can't get a hold of Mom!" He said, "It's 5:30 in the morning Jenna." but she then called my cell phone and groggily I answer, "You're going to be a grandma Mom!" I was wide awake then, joy bubbling up inside me like I'd never known. Of course, I cried, and then I proceeded to call or text everyone I knew. I was so overcome with excitement that I carried my phone into the bathroom with me and promptly dropped it in the toilet, I then had to resort to the home phone. I was overcome with immediate love for this new child.

I have a friend who is now expecting her first grandchild soon. She reminds me of me. On facebook every post is about her excitement, every thing she buys the new baby she posts a new picture of, every ultra sound, every thought. You can feel the love she has for this child and she's not even here yet. I want to caution her, WAIT - Slow down,  I think What if there's complications? What if something happens to the child? What if God forbid, she dies?

What if I hadn't been so excited? What if I hadn't posted every little thought? What if I hadn't posted a new picture of Jenna each week charting her growth? What if we hadn't all been there to hear every heartbeat? What if we hadn't had that gender reveal party? What if I hadn't been there that entire tough weekend, to lay on a lumpy cot and hear the monitoring of David's heart? Or hold my daughters hand when they said, we have to deliver? What if I hadn't been there the morning he was born? Or saw him for the first time? What if I hadn't got to sing to him? What if I hadn't got to kiss him? Hold him? What if we hadn't had six days? Would the devestation had been any easier when we lost him?

I was talking to my doctor the other day and I said to her,  "The next time Jenna gets pregnant I'm going to be more subdued. I'm not going to make such a big deal out of everything." She looked at me and shook her head. "No you're not, because that's who you are."

It stopped me in my tracks and I realized she was right. That is who I am. We had six months and six days of wonderful memories of David. Before he was born we loved him. And we will love him forever. 

I want to say to my friend, keep doing what you're doing.  You can't live worried about What if's because What if doesn't mean a thing. We have the day in which we live, make the most of it. We did with David. We will with any other grandchildren the Lord blesses us with.

And one day in heaven I believe David is going to look at me and say "Man that gender reveal party sure was fun MawMaw."