Next

She is a tiny little thing was my fleeting thought the first time I met Shelby. I was distracted that day in February last year. A dear friend of mine had just lost her daughter and I had just came from visiting her that morning. My heart - still aching from losing our sweet David -was completely broken that morning. I will never understand the death of the young. It's not the same as losing someone who had lived their life, it's the unfairness of all things that haunted me. What could have been.

Justin wanted us to meet this girl he had met at college in their Christian youth group Flood. You will like her Mom, says my son who likes to tell me how I will feel about things. But I can't complain I'd been doing the same thing to him all his life. "You are ok, quit your whining."

Justin had a bad breakup the summer before and this was the first girl in seven months he was interested in so I was looking forward to meeting her and hoping that she would be the last one I would have to meet.  I wasn't in a rush for him to get married but I was tired of meeting girls and really liking them and then they would break up. Do any of you other mothers feel this way?

So after that morning Shelby came over quite a bit and I got to know her well. I would call her "Shel-bee!" And she would look at me, Julia Roberts, Steel Magnolias. She had never seen the movie. Seriously Shelby! I bet your mother named you after that movie. She didn't think so and Justin never wanted to watch the movie. One day though.

Shelby and Justin are perfect for one another. They are ying and yang. She can hold her own against his very opinionated dabatey (is that a word- because if it isn't it needs to be- describes Justin to a tee) self. Justin said to me once "I'm like my dad." I had to burst his bubble because that is the one child I have that is just like me- loud and bossy. Likes to argue - likes to have his own way. Not the best traits I have, but he is also outgoing and unafraid of trying anything new, also like me.


AFter they had been dating a year Justin bought a ring and invited us to be there when he proposed. It was in a hotel in downtown Cincinnati and as they were walking through the lobby, Shelby's parents and Earl and I stepped out from behind some plants, and Justin got down on one knee and proposed. I was suppose to take pictures but through my tears my pictures came out blurry. It was a sweet romantic moment and Shelby was so surprised.

Here was my handsome grown son proposing marriage to the girl of his dreams and all I could think was that's my baby. My little tornado. My cute little brat. I admit I'd made him that way. I made him a brat because I had babied him so long. Still do. I kept thinking is Shelby going to take care of him like I do? Will she wash all his clothes and get him his favorite snacks? Will she love my son like he deserves to be loved?



Justin is a good guy. He is stubborn, opinionated and bossy, but he has a heart of gold. He works so hard - two jobs school. And he is smart, smarter then his dad and I like sometimes, when he tries to prove us wrong and he comes out right.  I'll miss him saying "Actually Mom.."

My baby is getting married and I love his fiancé. But I will lose him now, which is right and normal. But it can be hard on a mother of sons. Remember that ladies - that man you are marrying belonged to someone else before you came along. Be kind to his mother.

I said to Earl the other day, " we are almost done. Our youngest will be married and gone soon. Our house will be empty. What's Next?"

He smiled and shrugged. "Me and you baby."


Yeah that's what we thought.

That girl

She is so pretty. My daughter. Jenna. I love my boys. They are wonderful and caring and manly. But let's be honest here, they are boys. Jenna is my girl. In all ways to a mother. My shopping buddy, my confident, my very best friend. It's always been that way. I'd sneak off with her when she was a baby and leave her oldest brother with his dad or his pappy( he rather be with them) and when her younger brother came along, I left both the boys and carry Jenna out with me. Sometimes we'd run to the car yelling "Escape from the boy world!" We would eat lunch, go grocery shopping, hit the library ( exciting I know).  It wasn't what we did, it was being together. Talk, talk, talk. There might have been a couple of teenage alien years when she wanted to shut me out, I took the door off her room. She might have tried to push me away a few times, but she is a little bitty thing, I'm not. I stayed right there, we got through it. And we remained friends even when I had to be the Mother.

I loved watching her grow up to be kind. I loved seeing her develop into the beauty she is, inside and out. I was there when she fell in love, and I knew it was true. They have such fun together her and Ben. He is the right guy for my daughter. I know these things, I am her mother.

So I know her expressions. I could tell yesterday she was hurting. It took her about an hour and she said I miss David. My daughter misses her child and I can't do anything about it, but cry with her. I miss him too, but I didn't carry him in my body. I didn't feel those kicks or feel the joy of being pregnant with him. I was there beside her for all of it. I was there holding her as she held him, as his little life slipped away from us. I felt her body shake, I felt the pain of being a mother who could not help her child. I felt the helplessness.

Some people are impatient for her to just be ok now. You have Brooklyn, another precious miracle. Honestly this pain will never leave until we are in heaven with David. My daughter has this wound that will never completely heal.

And because I am her mother the wound is mine too. But I smile. Try and comfort her, distract her, Lets go shopping, but inside my heart just hurts because I cannot heal her hurt. I can only pray and that it what I do.

I don't like whiners. I'm not a whiner but this blog business, this writing out my feelings is a bit of therapy for me. Not my favorite therapy.

That would be.

Retail. :)

My love

I need to tell you something. I'm sappy. If you have read any of my blog you already know this. I just realized how very sappy I am. I was looking at a picture of my husband and I felt all this love and my heart became full and I thought he is adorable. I've been married to this man almost 30 years and every day I am thankful for him. He is one of a kind. When I said I need to move mom in with us, he said ok. When My nieces needed to come live with us, he said ok. Not knowing how long they would need to be with us, he still said ok. No questions. No hesitation.

On my Facebook there are a lot of posts about broken relationships or how to find the right man. Did I just luck out? I try and think back about my decisions when I was a teenager, was I looking for the right man? Was I even looking? I don't really think so. I was just randomly at some bowling alley and my friend knew him and introduced us.  And I fell in love. My mom did not think it would last. I wasn't a relationship girl. I never committed to one guy for very long, Before Earl my longest dating experience might have been a couple of months. I got bored easily and quickly. My friend even told him don't get your hopes up she doesn't date anyone very long.

But they were both wrong. I never looked at another guy again. None even came on my radar. I had tunnel vision and all I saw was Earl, with the passion of a teenagers heart.

So I guess I did luck out that the one guy I fell in love with was the best guy for me. Or maybe my mom was praying for me because I did worry her. Or maybe because my dad liked him and he never liked any guy that I dated. There is never a rhyme or reason to love. Circumstances be what may I truly believe your heart knows. I knew.

I think Earl knew too.

Even if he didn't he stuck around, for a very long time. And he is still my love.

Forever.

Cherish

David is on my mind this week. He is never very far away. My precious sweet granddaughter Brooklyn is seven months old today, and she is trying to crawl and rolling around on the floor. I look into her happy sweet face and miss the little boy who never got the chance to crawl or roll around on the floor. Sometimes Brooklyn has this serious look on her face, a wrinkle in her brow and I wonder if she can see the sadness on our faces, covered up with the smiles and joy that she brings to us. When she was smaller she would smile constantly in her sleep and I would imagine that she was talking to her brother in heaven and he was telling her how much she was going to be loved because he knew, he knew how much he was loved. In the few short days we had him. Still I feel the incredible wash of love I felt for him then, even now. our first grandchild. It is amazing really how you think there is no possible way to love a child more than you love your  own, but David was my most loved. I am a champion of children, they are so helpless, so innocent, my protective heart wants to wrap them all up and protect them from any harm. It could be because I was rescued from a different life, a life where I might not have been as cherished as I was, I may not have had the benefits that my parents made sure I had growing up. And I am aware of it. My children never had any doubt at all that they were cherished, loved, respected, and cared for. My husband and I had done our duty, raised them right, and when David came along I was so ready for the chance to be his MawMaw. I'm thrilled that I get to be Brooklyn's MawMaw, I have every intention of making sure that girl knows that her grandparents will cherish and love her forever, and spoil her along the way. Still I miss the little boy, I can imagine him riding with his Pappy (Earl) in his truck, going to get his hair cut with him. I can imagine the active little legs running after him. I can imagine the sweet kisses he would give his Momma, and him carrying a fishing pole trotting after his Daddy. I can imagine him patting Brooklyn on the back after she had fallen and assuring her it was all right. That's the pain of losing a child, what makes it different then losing a parent, the what could have beens.

I knew a sweet little baby boy named David, and I will always carry him in my heart. Grief is not something to get over, it's something to get through, and I will get through it even as it lingers through my entire life.  I am my mothers daughter, my daughter is her mothers daughter. We are strong, we are sentimental, and we are loved, by a mighty God who knows and cares.

I am thankful that I don't have to imagine Brooklyn running after her Pappy, soon enough those active little legs will carry her after him. She can just about give kisses to her sweet Momma now, and I know it won't be long before her Daddy puts a fishing pole in her hands. I believe one day Brooklyn will be a big sister, possibly to another brother, and she will pat him on the back and say its going to be ok.

I cherish the memories of our David. I look forward to the day I will hold him in my arms again, until then I must carry on, and cherish all the other precious children God allows into my life.

One day at a time, my husband always says, one day at a time,