What If .....

A year ago our daughter Jenna got pregnant. We found out in July. I remember that day so clearly. It was 5:30 in the morning, she called her dad to tell him and said "I can't get a hold of Mom!" He said, "It's 5:30 in the morning Jenna." but she then called my cell phone and groggily I answer, "You're going to be a grandma Mom!" I was wide awake then, joy bubbling up inside me like I'd never known. Of course, I cried, and then I proceeded to call or text everyone I knew. I was so overcome with excitement that I carried my phone into the bathroom with me and promptly dropped it in the toilet, I then had to resort to the home phone. I was overcome with immediate love for this new child.

I have a friend who is now expecting her first grandchild soon. She reminds me of me. On facebook every post is about her excitement, every thing she buys the new baby she posts a new picture of, every ultra sound, every thought. You can feel the love she has for this child and she's not even here yet. I want to caution her, WAIT - Slow down,  I think What if there's complications? What if something happens to the child? What if God forbid, she dies?

What if I hadn't been so excited? What if I hadn't posted every little thought? What if I hadn't posted a new picture of Jenna each week charting her growth? What if we hadn't all been there to hear every heartbeat? What if we hadn't had that gender reveal party? What if I hadn't been there that entire tough weekend, to lay on a lumpy cot and hear the monitoring of David's heart? Or hold my daughters hand when they said, we have to deliver? What if I hadn't been there the morning he was born? Or saw him for the first time? What if I hadn't got to sing to him? What if I hadn't got to kiss him? Hold him? What if we hadn't had six days? Would the devestation had been any easier when we lost him?

I was talking to my doctor the other day and I said to her,  "The next time Jenna gets pregnant I'm going to be more subdued. I'm not going to make such a big deal out of everything." She looked at me and shook her head. "No you're not, because that's who you are."

It stopped me in my tracks and I realized she was right. That is who I am. We had six months and six days of wonderful memories of David. Before he was born we loved him. And we will love him forever. 

I want to say to my friend, keep doing what you're doing.  You can't live worried about What if's because What if doesn't mean a thing. We have the day in which we live, make the most of it. We did with David. We will with any other grandchildren the Lord blesses us with.

And one day in heaven I believe David is going to look at me and say "Man that gender reveal party sure was fun MawMaw."