Miracle

I start to feel sorry for myself. I start thinking how unfair it was that my daughter lost her son, that I lost my grandson, when all we wanted was to love him and spoil him. I even cry, a lot. And then I read a story about a mother whose son fought to live for two years with a crippling disease and then passed away. Or I hear about a friend whose three year old daughter is fighting cancer and stuck in the hospital most of her young life. I think about those parents whose lives aren’t normal. Who live at the hospital even if they have other children at home. Who may be single parents, who don’t have anyone to help through the pain. Or a young couple whose had four miscarriages, or a young couple whose only desire is to have a child, but cannot get pregnant. I want to wrap them all up in my arms and make it better for them.

I start to think about how blessed I am. How much love has been shown to our family through this tragedy. How very much we are truly loved and cared about. I know my daughter will have children one day. We will always miss David. But he’s not sad. I think about that. I think that my Dad and his other grandpas are playing with him right now. I believe that his life in heaven is so much more than this life on earth could ever be.

I think about how very much I love my family. How we have held each other up through all this pain and suffering and I think about those we have lost. How their legacy still lives on through us. I can hear my Dad saying “It’ll be ok baby girl.” And because I believed him when he said that to me, I believe him now. I think Dad has David on his knee teaching him to fish. Or maybe (if there are golf carts in heaven) driving him around on a golf cart telling him about the best club to use to hit that little white ball (maybe gold ball). I think about those things, because they make me smile.

I have felt so very close to God through this. I feel like he’s right here at my side letting me know that it’s going to be ok. I DO feel like it’s going to be ok, even though my heart is broken. I wish sometimes that time would speed up the healing, so I wouldn’t get that sharp pain in my heart when I think about holding my grandson that last day.

He was a beautiful little boy. And I believe he felt how much we all loved him. That’s why he felt ok leaving us. He had nothing else to do down here. He showed us loved. He showed us that we have the capacity to love with our whole being one so tiny and new. David’s smiling right now because he accomplished more in six days then most of do in a life time. He left a legacy of Love for us to draw strength from.

So when I start to feel sorry for myself, I make myself stop. I will still cry. I will still miss him. But I will think of his deep blue eyes and a smile on his face. Sometimes I say “Goodnight David, Mawmaw loves you.” and I think he’s saying “Mawmaw I love you too.”

That’s the Miracle of Love.

It never ends.